Lost i the arms of destiny...

Leo is not doing good.
Today when I went to give him his medicine he looked even worse than yesterday.
So now I'm wondering: am I just being selfish, by continueing to give him the medicine? Maybe he's better of dead.

I've decided to give him his medicine throughout the weekend and see how he's doing after the weekend. If he's gotten worse, I'm gonna let them put him down (though I hope he passes away in his sleep, this weekend. That would be the best), and otherwise I might get a second opinion.

I just feel so horrible looking at him. all he does is sleeping, and when he's awake he hardly is "really" awake. It's so sad it makes me cry. I feel hopeless.
I don't want to give up on him yet, cos somehow he might get better... But just the look of him.. it says enough.

That's why I feel kinda guilty... And decided to see his state after the weekend, instead of medicine throughout the week (till Thursday).
Whatever the best is for him, I am willing to do it.

The link of Apocalyptica ft. Lauri & Ville is dead. as soon as I've got anothe rlink I'll post it. It's defenitely a song you should all hear. It's so amazing... :

"Lost in the arms of destiny"
Bittersweet

Bittersweet

Went to the vet with Leo (hamster) today. The vet didn't know either what was wrong. due to the fact that they are such little animal and don't get really old, scientists don't really do any research on diseases and cures.

Most likely Leo has made a pretty big fall and was partly paralysed. Because of this he has a trauma and that'll explain his behaviour.

They didn't have any painkillers for hamsters, but she did give me some sort of anti-biotics, which I will have to give him this for a week and see what happens with him. If he get's better we'll be both happy, if not... I am probably gonna have to let them put him down. It's for the best for him, but if there's one thing I hate; it's getting pets put down. To make an appointment on what hour their gonna die. It's in your hands... It's not fair to us, but only fair to them - to release them from their pain.

The best part of the day was not the trip with my nephew and sister to Lolland (yes, it's really called that) but hearing a 40 sec. clip of Apocalyptica ft. Lauri (The Rasmus) & Ville (HIM) - Bittersweet
so perfectly brilliant it made me cry. Video is out on Nov. 03, the CD sinlge is released International on November 29.
It's on my 'OH-MY-GOD-I-WANT-THIS' list.

Leo, oh Leo

I love my pets, more than anything!
I love animals in general. But especially my dearest pet cat Evie. is it weird to call your pet your best friend?

The latest edition was Piiku, a tiny black mouse. I saw a few mouse in the pet shop and fell in love with them. After doing some research I found they could be nice little buddies, and not as bad as people think they are. Just what I needed as Hamster Leo doesn't like cuddling at all.

I bought Leo in 2003, in a petshop where I worked for the holiday. He was old, too old to get sold. After seeing him for the first time (in the cage with the rabbits as he broke out of his own cage) I was like "so you're the little fella who lives here?" spending one month there and seeing a big, black and white cutie between rabbits in your last week of work... Well, I couldn't help but falling in love with him.
I wanted him.

And yes, I managed to get him (there's always the parents part). But pretty soon I left on holiday and let my oldest sister take care of him.
When I got back, he escaped from his cage.. Later on I found out he did it before (in total, he broke out 4 times now ;)). We got him back, but because of this (and the older age than hamsters usualy have when they get sold he got wild, and defenitely wasn't up for cuddling anymore.
Shame, but in the end I am happy to have given him a home, where he gets loved and fed.

And well, after a while seeing the mice, I wanted one as well. I got piiku, who is rather afraid of human, than human of her.

But I hadnt seen leo for a while. I did keep checking upon him, to see if he was still alive. he is.... But he's ill.

I started crying right away when I saw him! it's that bad.
all the vet's were already closed... But tomorrow I am gonna call or go there straightaway.
leo is 1.5 years now.. But I still love him. so much..... damn, I hate when this happens.... keep you up to date

You know how to make me feel

A few days ago I went to the carnival with a friend of mine, the new girl I met. It was all cool, except for the fact that we had a few fast rides right after each other. I ended up not having dinner due to me nacious feeling...!

After that I haven't reallybeen up to anything. My sister rented a movie; Thirteen. Pretty good, realistic movie. Inspired me right away to write another song.
I should learn to play guitar much better, then I can finaly start playing my own tunes as well.
Which brings me to this: in january I have my first performance. It's nothting too big I guess... Anyway, it's with school. In music class you have a presentation for parents & friends. I thought there was gonna be one performance in June. Turns out there is one in january & in june. You have to enter at least in 5 projects.
I feel kinda nervous about it, but in the end: this is why I chose music!!

My forum's been doing good lately. A lot of members have come up with creative ideas, besides that I have a few extra's in mind as well. I'll reveal all when the idea is all set....!

enough for now. ;)

Finland

Oi, something I forgot to tell, but should; I met this girl this schoolyear. She's really cool. She's been through some stuff, and she's real. she doesn't live in a fucking fairy tale (unlike some others..). the cool thing is that we have a few things in common, such as the fact that we both want to travel through Finland.
That's really cool, I was actually thinking of traveling with a partner (it is saver nowadays) and so I guess I found my partner ;)

It's really cool to meet some new people. I'm quite crap at making contact, but when I do meet people, they're usualy really worth it.

so... yeah. ;)

On MTV

OH . MY . GOD !
Can you believe this?? I just got an email from a girl I know in Mexico, she told me that one of my websites about my fave band The Rasmus, has been mentioned on MTV!
The Rasmus will perform in Mexico soon, so they paid some attention to the band and the dude said there were a few websites worth checking out, The Rasmus One was mentioned!
Can you believe how proud I am now? Seems all the hard work is really worth it. I'm happy!!!

Not only that, my test week is finaly over now - and I've got a one week holiday. I need that really...
my last 2 hours at school were PE, which was pretty exhausting. Warming up with a man that used to be in the army is... well, tiring! After that, I played soccer with some girls.. But God, there were a few bitches. One of them got kicked at her ancle by exident. She started swearing at the girl and everything, then she left the fielt. WUSSY! I've been kicked a million times, so what?! it's a game you know!
Another (ugly) barbie doll, who playes in a soccer team, was all pissed of cos my team catched up with points. We lost anyway, but does that matter? It's only a game for God's sake...! Though some of them felt quite different.

Another friend of mine wasn't even there with PE. That's all up to her, but what bothers me most is that she always fionds some excuse for something, just to miss out on it.. I don't spent too much time with her anymore, and I don't quite care anyway. I've met some new & nicer people.

Anyway... I'm gonna go celebrate my one second of fame on MTV...! hooray

School

Gah... I feel horrible, moody and close to tears!
School is just really freaking me out! For a change I do care about my grades, and I DO try to get good grades, but it's just not working. Out of all the tests I already had, only one turned out postive.

And now Im in the middle of a testweek, where most subjects of which I got a bad average are being tested. Meaning I have to study my arse of, to make sure all my averages are gonna be OK by the the time I have to show my list of grades at home.

Cos that's the point. I haven't told my parents yet. I'm kinda afraid to. I feel that there's a bigger pressure coming of them than ever before. If they find out that I have been having bad grades and hiding it from them... I'm gonna be in trouble.
So maybe I should confess... I guess. But I don't feel like it.

I just feel like I wanna be left alone and just for everyone to get of my back... Leave me alone - I wanna drown in my own misery!

it's time to study for history... wish me luck...!

#1

So, here we go - the 1st entry in my blog.
I've had a blog on my own forum before, but never done soemthing like this. So, here I am then.

me in short: My name is Demelza, but I prefered to be called Dez. Im 16 y/o, from the Netherlands.

Lately my life has been kinda boring. Am back at school for a few weeks now. But I just can;t get used to it. Besides that, Im already screwing up everything (such as throwing away VERY important stuff, bad grades, forgetting to hand in inportant notes).. so Im pretty fed up already.

Home is not the place I'd rather be either.. But it's kinda private.

I just wish sometimes I had a place I could always come to, and just completely calm down. away from the world.
If that place exists... Let me know!