cure me or kill me

I honestly thought I'd feel better now that it's weekend. But the opposite is true.

I still don't have time to think about the upcoming gig in 3 days, which bothers me to hell. I haven;t even thought of things to take & how I will meet up with my friend. I don't have an exact plan in my mind... All I can think about is stupid school and all the work that still has to be done. Obviously it;s my own fault, for waiting to long to catch up with work.. But it's just ridiculous. It's honestly ruling my whole life at the moment.
I thought I was going to relax and think about the upcoming gig, get excited... But all I can think of right now is 'oh crap, i have to do this, and I have to do that'

I HATE SCHOOL
I wanna get out of there..

Listening to a sample of Hooverphonic's Eden right now. It is just breathtaking. When I first heard it, I was nearly crying (imagine: it was in the theater).
if you want to listen to it: go to hooverphonic.com & go to music. listen to the album of 'Sit down and listen to'
I want that album, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. And besides that, I'm not allowed to order from the internet. So I'm gonna have to think of a creative solution.

That's it for now... Gonna sob and do homework.

better/but not

I feel better today (well, not exactly sure if better is the right word, but Ill explain in a bit); I'm not quite thinking about that guy anymore... It was just overwhelming to see him again, I suppose. But yeah, I just tried to set my mind of him and it worked pretty well.

As I said; not sure if better is the right word to explain my mood: I have been feeling grumpy, depressed and angry... Maybe it has something to do with the guy, but also the fact that I am more then fed up with school: I NEED A BREAK !
I've not really been working hard, i think... But still you know. It's been stressy & I'm just fed up with it, I want to get the hell away from there....

But tomorrow it's friday (last time I'll have to get up at 6.30 am HOORAAAAAY!!!) and then it's weekend... finaly sleep late :)

AND! it's 5 days until I'll "our guys" -The Rasmus- again. Because of the stressy period I didn't really get the chance to think about it.. But I will this weekend, I suppose.
Just a weekend of nothingness and I'll be playing their albums and suddenly scream: 'OH MY GOD! TUESDAY! THE RASMUS!'

so yeah... you'll hear from moi :)

Dead Letter...

I wish it was your bed I woke up in this morning...

In a little while I'll probably be disgusted by this thought, as I thought I was already over & disgusted by you. But hell no..

You just never change, do you?
And if you don't change, it means you will stay that person I fell in love with before I even knew him. and it only got worse when I got to know you.
Never had I imagined there was someone so much like the the idealised picture of a guy I have in my mind
But you were like that. You ARE like that, despite your minors.

And I can't help it, each time I see you -even though it's not often anymore- I just get that feeling that Im in love with you again.. And fuck, I hate it! I don't want to be in love with you. You've got a girlfriend, you've got a few minors which I want nothing to do with... But there's something about you. And I suppose there will always be.

Maybe I should just stop seeing you. I mean - I hardly ever see you, but just try to avoid you maybe? ... But I don't want to. I want you near, feel butterflies and ... and so, so much more. More then you'll ever know I suppose...

Dez = Aki

woaaa, had my first drumminglesson today. and wow!! I'm a talent! (OK, I might be lying a little bit, but...) It went so well, even the "teacher" (just a friend who can play amazingly well!) said to me that I did well and there is a drummer "inside of me" (of course there were a few dirty remarks here and there, during the lesson - but don't take what I just said the wrong way ;))

I felt like Aki -LMAO, not really- : the drummer of TR, and one of my most favourite people :) There are a lot of people who each inspire me in a tiny little way. Aki is just a fantastic person. never met im personaly yet (I will!), but what I've seen from the past 5 gigs & read about & from him... Ah he's wonderful :) He's defenitely the kind of guy I could fall in love with (so where is he then??).

But today was a pretty good day. A lot of things turne out pretty well for me, so... moi is happy!!

Bla bla bla

Went to see Hooverphonic on Nov. 10. It was soooo brilliant. I only knew 2 songs, but.. I'm loving them!
Download idea: Hooverphonic- Eden (from the album Sit down and listen to).. it was so beautiful i was nearly crying! now I have this song stuck in my head ever since ;)

There was something else I wanted to write about, but since my sister can't shut up for more then 10 seconds I already forgot what I wanted to tell.
Nice & thank you. If I ever come up with it, you'll hear from me.

*EDIT*
now I remember ;)
the woman who said she'd help me out with picking up Choopa... well she never replied anymore. And I mean, I'm fine with the fact that you don't want to / can't help me out after all. but woman! just tell me. it's not like I'll bite your head off.
so... now I'm back to where I was.... Maybe I shouldn't / won't get Choopa after all...? ='(

slut???

Yesterday I noticed something nice on my locker. someone wrote, no let me repeat that scratched, the word "slut" on my locker.
The best thing is, since it's scratched into the locker (with a key or something) I can't get it of!

Today I noticed something else was written beneath it, after my reading session I fiugerd out it said 'groetjes', dutch for greetings/greets.

Well very nice, and hi back to you! Don't forget: next time tell me in my face that I'm slut, you WUSS!

However, I am not very sure if it was a personal "attack" (hey, I can easily call it an attack these days in The Netherlands. before I kow there's a bomb in my locker). but still.. it's not very nice; now I'll have to spend 2 more schoolyears with 'slut' written on my locker. Luckily you can't see it unless you're close to my locker.

Gah, and the Netherlands is driving me crazy. The days after Theo van Gogh was murdered so much happened! Schools, churches and mosques were set on fire. So many discusions. Stupid politicians who said that we're in war...
and today The Hague is completely under the supervision of police & special terrorism forces... There's this house that the police has been watching for a long time and last night the wanted to break in and arrest those people, but they failed.
This hasn't got anything to do with Theo v.G. though. Just a bad timing ;)

anyway, the "slut" is of now! lmao!

THANK YOU

Ok, I just have one thing to say - and I want to say it in public:

Geerte, thank you so God damn much for those slashy links.... I am loving it more then ever !!!!!!!

anyone care to see guys kissing??? *drool*

Highlight of the week

The week has only started but I already had my highlight of the week.

This morning on my way to school I bumped into this cute guy I've been fancying for ages now. I love the look of him, he's just gorgeous!

He came out of this side street and crossed the street which made him ride his bicycle in front of me. He actually looked around.. looking at me.
Maybe he had something like 'oh God it's her <_<>

But the highlight of the week was defenitely the fact that I started feeling butterflies in my stomach right away, combined with weak knees.
I've had this feeling once before, and it was just great experiencing it again whilst feeling so depressed.

I love this feeling and I had honestly no idea that I felt that much for him.

But the thing is.. I'm shy. and somehow I just got the feeling he'll never be interested in me "that" way. Just like most guys.
I could give it a go, but if I don't his personality will stay unknown to me, and then I can idealize him as much as I like...

I guess I'll just enjoy the feeling as long as it lasts... and we'll see what happens...

untitled 1

I was just viewing my forum, when I noticed a very special feature: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/inmylife/special_forum_feature2.jpg

The good news is that I'm more then likely picking up Choopa November 15. Someone is willing to help me, and instead of a 2 hour (or 4 in total) drive we'll only have to drive for one hour (2 in total). as far as I'm aware I don't have to pay for the expenses... so, I'm happy. :)

A Dead Letter

"A Dead Letter is a letter that cannot be send to the person it was meant for, but cannot be returned to author either" -one day I'll type out what a dead letter exactly is, but right now I need to write something of my chest - in a way of a Dead Letter.

Dear "you",

If there's one thing I'd like to tell you then one thing pops up in my mind: I HATE YOU. so much more than I could ever lover anything.
You ruin my life, and you manage to suck all the good out of me and make me a bitter, angry, depressed girl.

I hate you, but I can't tell cos I'm supposed to respect you. But how could ever?? You've managed to ruin your own life, but also the lives of the people close to you. And the worst part is that you don't even notice.

My God, I don't know how long I will be able to live on like this... But I am going crazy! You make me want to hurt myself, honestly - I don't know what to do with my hands except for clutching them together otherwise I'll do some horrible things to myself.

my fuck, you've ruined everything and it's too late for you to make it up. I don't want you anymore. I don't want your interest, I don't need to hear nice words from you - cos they're made up anyway. Your mind is somewhere else. Then fuck of to that place cos you're not needed anymore anyway!!!

I'm looking forward to the day I can get the fuck away from here and just have my own life. Far, far away from here...

just one thing

made a little changement: un-registered visitors can also post a comment. hooray. I bet at least one person is happy now ;) lol

crap

ah there we go, I'm back to feeling crap. Gone with the teenage worries.

I'm bored... I was hoping to pick up Choopa tomorrow, but it's not happening. I can't afford it, and no one is willing to help me out / or can't help me out. So yeah, it's not happening for now.

I was asked to go out with a few people tonight, but even that I can't afford. 7 fucking euro's for a night of fun.... but I can't afford it. I would've liked to go though.

I dunno what else there is to say... Haven't been up to much lately. so yeah... I'll shut up.

Teenage worries

psssh, lately I've felt like I've only had teenage worries. and you know what: I LOVE IT!!!

I've been having too many worries in my life, which I shouldn't have. So for a change I am excited:
about hetting a new hamster,
for crying my eyes out because of a dead pet,
For going more than crazy about songs,
and I don;t give a CRAP about the grades I am getting!

hooray!!!


I wanna go traveling now. You know what... I've always wanted to go back to Rome. And I want my dad to come. I know he would love it, and I want to give hima break (if you know me too well, you'll understand).
The next holiday is December/January.. I'm gonna go do research RIGHT NOW. (I know he'll be like, "I dunno.." but sometimes he should stop whining & stop being rational... Just go if you want to!)

Choopa

As I said, after Leo died I felt like I needed to do something good for the other creatures on this planet. Instead of buying another pet from a pet shop, I decided to get a homeless one.

The other day I was surfing on the net when I found the most fantastic creature!! his description sounds something like this: Choopa was brought in on August 12, he's shy and insecure. You must be really calm around him. Do you feel challenged to win his trsut back?

And hell YES I do!! I send them an email and today I got a reply: Choopa will be moving in with me! :)
Im not sure when, cos he's like 1.5 / 2 hours away from here. And getting there will cost some money.. Money I don't have.
So I'm not too sure yet when I'll be getting him.. But I'll let you know.

Last but not least, a piccie of him: http://static.marktplaats.nl/fotos/dieren/knaagdieren/2/73490.jpg

Sick world

sick world

Theo van Gogh; a movie director, writer and person that was not afraid to speak his mind.
Today he has been Killed. Murdered. Shot and stabbed. The knife was still in his chest with a note attatched to it.

What the fuck is this?

I do not know much about him. Except that he spoke his mind . He had different ideas than others. But they were not wrong; cos everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
Just like the politician Pim Fortuyn. He had different ideas. Somewhat weird, and some even included the truth though most would deny it. Also he got killed.
We live in the Netherlands. People may describe it as the country where everything is possible. But whatever happened to FREEDOM OF SPEECH??? a thing we supposed to cherise so much in this country??? A thing that's supposed to be so important for our culture.

Both their ideas weren't always mine, and with some I didn't agree at all. But it were their opinions on the live in The Netherlands. On what's happening with this country.And you know what... On some points I actually do start to agree. Will I get killed for that???

They had the opportunity to speak their mind in public and I guess that was enough for people to "erase" them from live.

Really,..... what the fuck is this ?

The day after

I'm doing pretty fine today. In the beginning it's always hard to get used to the empty space of where the hamsters' cage used to be. But oh well.. he'll be burried tomorrow.

To do something nice for the other little creature's in this world, I signed up at the place where homeless animals get brought in. You can give those animals a new home. I asked my mom to call the place and ask if they have any hamsters, or an old rabbit in it's final years. They didn't have any, but they have my number so they can always call me.
I feel quite good doing this. Now I am able to give at least one little creature a new & nice home.

And with that, I officialy need a job. I've also seen this digital camera which I wan't BADLY. It's a fair price for a camera that can take pix & record movies with sound (hello gigs, here I come!!).

Woaaa, the next gig is November 30. I'm so God damn excited. It's my 6th gig of this band (The Rasmus), but it just never get's boring !!

This guy I know, he was supposed to download songs for me & put them on a CD for me... It's been like 3 weeks ago, and I still haven't got it. That really pisses me of you know. He's had 3 fucking weeks to do it, and he still hasn't.... But that's the problem with me: I do more for people than I actually get in return. *not good*

Well anyway, I guess I should be going now. After a week of holiday I've got homework again. Got some French articles & a book from very long ago to read.... :

Last but not least:

RIP Leo

I was supposed to go over to a friend tonight, to watch a scary movie to celebrate Haloween. But when I went to give Leo his medicine I found him still breathing, but not waking up and stone cold. I knew it wouldn't take long before he died.

I decided to get him out of his cage and take him in my hands and let him die peacefully. He was s cold that he actually made my hands cold. My mom warmed up somekind of pillow and put under a cloth and my hands, so he'd be warm. Later on I layed him down on the cloth.

He was still breathing, but after a while he had these shocks. They kept on going so I knew/hoped it wouldn't be too long anymore.
After a while his body stopped shocking, and he was grasping for air. It got slower after a while and than he took his last breath and slowly died.

It was kinda overwhelming to be there when he died, though I do feel relieved. he died peacefully and I am happy for him...

It was so sad though... So,

sweet dreams Leo.

Leo
*30/04/2003 + 31/10/2004