random

I was at the petshop last Saturday to buy food for the mice, when I noticed they had new mice. After inspecting them, I didn't really see one of which I though 'oooh me want, me want'. Thankfully, cos seriously.. I shouldn't be buying another one. But all of the sudden, from the middle of nowhere this gorgeous satin brown/white little mice shows up.. Oh well, meet Ozzy:


Piiku, Rasmus and Kaja get along fine with her, although she's very shy. All she does is hide in the sleeping house. I hope that'll get better with time, but if not.. Well, at least she gets along with the others.

Secondly: this friend's band had a performance last night. cute guys everywhere.
Lets hope this will be my "magical" year. 17 should be good :P (2 days. should I start counting down as a hyper active teenie? Cos I don't feel like my birthday is coming up..)

OOH! and remember TCG? found out today he has a girlfriend. Bummer, but who gives a crap? (his girlfriend probably). Whether he has a girlfriend or not, he still looks cute.

Last but not least: MCR (my chemical romance, ok? not another boy.) - OH MY GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! me love.

title-less

Ok... hormones have clamed down. so have I. Sorry for that outburst..

I feel completely stupid being so upset over someone whose name I only know. But a friend told me to ask him out, I mean.. That is why people ask each other out right? To get to know each other.. So yeah. Although asking him out is a bit too much of it. I might give him a little hint, if I ever have the guts... And then the ball is in his court.
And well, I said I needed changes in my life. This could be one for starters.

Oh, another thing: Found out about a new band. I alreayd knew them by name, My Chemical Romance, but I hadn't heard them until a few days ago. And they're like freakin'awesome!!! I should really check if they have any CDs by them around here. And their tourdates. but nope, nothing in the Netherlands. And I'm not gonna travel for them. Not yet. they'll have to proove how good they are first :P then I'll start spending money, heh.
(hooray, with my most fantastic job I can buy anything in the whole wide world. 12 fucking euro's per month. Jealous yet?)

You know, the other day I had this intellegent thought about time. But I really forgot it all. I think about that in bed and when I wake up I forgot just about everything... Intellegent blondie (although I dyed my hair black)...

yeah, I'll shut up.

Stupidity

Another dead letter...

I freakin' want you! I keep thinking about you, and I know I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Just because I "need" a boyfriend. Or am I fooling myself?

I dunno what I am feeling. I am constantly thinking of you.
Is it because;
A) I need new people in my life, preferably a cute guy who will fall in love with me and we'll live happily ever after?
or B) I really like you?

You are cute, you simply have the most brilliant smile, have beautiful eyes.. And what else? Cos I don't even know you. But here I am sitting, reading about someone having a boyfriend and I immediatly think of you and my heart skips a beat. Fuck.

Am I just blowing this out of proportion, like I've done many times before, or are my feelings sincere? And how the fuck can I find out when I don't even know you, and too shy to even try to get to know you?

It's not fair.

Movies

I know the following movies don't make any sense, but I had to check out the video function on my Digital Camera.

1my fave :)
2
3
4
5

And can anyone please calm down my hormones? they're all over the place...

rant on

Fuck everything.

I cried my eyes out last night, in bed. Did some stupid realisation. I so often wonder to myself: What did I do to deserve all this? When in reality, that's just a stupid attempt to blame someone or something else for my own actions.
There's nothing bigger out there (screw my previous entry) that decided "Hey, lets fuck up someone's life" and it happens to be mine.

It's just me, myself and I, and no one or nothing else that is screwing up everything.
And I hate myself so much for it right now.

I just manage to fuck up everything, don't I? Right in front of my own eyes.
The past few days have been completely worthless. All I did was sit here and thinking I had everything under control. Just for once. Just for once.
But I didn't and I still don't.

And even now I still waste away my time, meanwhile it's so precious and I should be using it carefully.

I'm lazy. I'm stupid. And I feel so angry on the inside.
I hate myself for being me.

Changes

I need some changes in my life. I need them badly.
Inside it's aching and I'm going slightly crazy! I need new people, I need new hobbies...

There is going to be one big positive change in the near future. I can't tell, but it's such a relive this is finaly happening. Time to breath again.

I might be buying a new pet as well. I can't help myself, but it's so adorable. I't's this little russian hamster, the cool thing is: it's an orange one! They're called 'mandarijn rusjes', though this one is pearl (white) with an orange stripe down the down. But it's really beautiful. I'm just not to sure yet. I've already got Choopa & the mice. I'm note sure if it would be a good idea... But I just can't help myself.
Besides that, the hamster is in The Hague. I asked the owner if she could possibly go to Rotterdam or Scheveningen and this stupid bitch butt in: I don't want to interfere, but why are you letting her travel when you want the pet?
Well you are interfering so shut the fuck up and let me and the owner take care of it! Gah.

I need a new hobby too. I want something "supernatural", like tarot cards maybe. Something 'bigger'. I don't believe in God or whatsoever, but I've became more interested in something bigger. Don't ask me what... But like, I believe in my dreams. Dreams come from the inner you. I should get more in touch with myself maybe.
I never thought I'd believe that kind of crap. I always relied more on rational thoughts, but I think I should trust my instinct and feelings more.

I've been downloading some stuff of HIM recently and I quite like them. So that's at least something new ;)

oh well....

A whole lot of crap! Good crap

I should really start to update when I've actually got something to tell. Last night when I was trying to sleep I had so much to tell and I've probably forgot half of it already, but lets try and see if this entry made any sense.

First of all: I bought a digital camera the other day. I adore it. Now I have the ability to capture every single stupid, beautiful, emotional, exciting moment. And if I don't like the way I captured it, I delete and try again. It's great to share something personal with people on the other side of the world.

I love my camera. Now bring on those damn gigs!

Might as well tell that part: there won't be any gigs for a long time *cryyyyy*. The Rasmus came back from Japan and will more then likely not tour until the new album. Sob.

HOAT is a cool album. It's a great album to get in a feel good mood. check out http://www.the-rasmus1.tk for snippets en the forum for a detailed review, by me.
I actually really enjoyed writing that review. Perfect mixture: music & writing. One of my very few interests. But I can't really make a living out of that, right?

I don't know what I want for the future. This is what I have in mind: graduate in 2006 (though I already doubt that part), go to scandinavia and tour. After that to the UK and work in a youthhostel. Doesn't make any sense, but I feel so attrackted to that idea. Some day I'll come back and study, but I don't want to study. Not right now and not in the future.

There's this band called Killer and I think this is a funny story. The band (which I don't like), put on there website that they took a break, a looooong break. They didn't say they split up, because they might come bck in the future and if they'd split up, that'd mean they'd make a come back and come back's are for loosers. One of those bandmembers is now in a boatingschool, learning to built them and the other 3 members continue in the music bizz.
Funny story for some reason. Their website is killertheband.com
Don't like em, only know them because of The Rasmus. Killer is a part of Dynasty too. Dynasty is a group of about 30 musicians from Finland. About 10 of them have 'dynasty' tattooed on the body... Interesting huh?

Oh yeah, I have a (temporarily??) adoptive fish. My sis had about 7 fish or something, and the all suddenly died [ Japie :( ] except for one, but she wasn't taking care of it anymore. When I told a friend about the symptones the fish had, she told me she had the same thing and gave me some medicine for him. Still, my sis didn't gave it to him. So now I have the fish. I'm not sure if I want to keep him though. He's very friendly and you can have great convo's with him (no, really!).. but you know.. Maybe the fish needs a friend?

I'm pretty positive there was more I wanted to say.. but yeah, I forgot. You know what? I'll post you some pix! :D (wooo, go camera!!!)

forgot to smile + Very Gangsta!!
Piiku +Rasmus + Kaja
Choopa: 01 + 02 + 03
Gary (my adoptive fish.)
My room: 01 + 02 + 03 + 04
Never mind all the pretty colours in my room. I didn't do it. My family decorated my room when I was on an exchange programme in Rome, Italy.

recovery

I think I'm recovering from my depressed mood.
I just feel lazy nd like I should do something, and meet new people... But I don't feel really depressed anymore.

I think I should also thank a friend for that, cos I can have great chats with her. About anything, and also about things I thought I'd never discuss. Maybe that was what was bothering me?

I remember my 2nd depressed mood. I was so angry at a friend. All she was thinking of was herself and her stupid boyfriend. I hardly ever talk with her anymore. She's all about her faith. Glad that yo are muslim and that you like it but leave me fucking out of it!
I rarely talk to her nowadays, but to be honest ... I don't care. I might even be better of without her.

It's good to have someone that still does talk with you, even when you are not feeling good. That I don't have to ask for someone to talk to me.

So, thank you true friends

in the middle

Gosh, I'm gonna sound so desperate now, I'm sorry! And I honestly never thought I'd say this.. but I need a boyfriend!

I just need some loving! .. And I feel so depressed lately. Completely worthless, and I just want to feel that I matter to at least someone..
Nothing really cheers me up right now. Not for a long time anyway, just for one moment.

The other day I was so worried that I had another depressed mood coming up, and I just realised that I'm already in the middle of it :( ...
I have all these ups and downs, but in general I just feel sad, tired and depressed. and this stupid cold isn't making it any better. I feel kinda feverish.

I'm such a stupid, emotional idiot... Before I was watching this TV show I always watch. for years already (and no not GTST!!!!! Im not that stupid), and I just cried my eyes out because someone was leaving. All those emotional goodbyes.. and I sat there sobbing on the couch, thinking: 'look at me.. what an idiot am i!'

I just want to feel happy again... I want to feel that people care for me. I'm sure some people do, but I just can't feel it right now...

I want to feel OK again ....

entry without an end

Oi, puberty! all these emotions and feelings...

MONDAY:

• I could hardly control my hormones (cute guy here, cutie there! another one!). Blegh. Like 3 cute guys in one day.
  

1. TCG (lovely as always)
2. Cute dude, unnamed (found out he's like a 3rd grader or something. So that's a big NO GO! but he looks so much older.)
3. guy who I always used to find "dirty" (has been named by me, but won't tell), but turns out to have such an amazing smile! that was one hell of a WOW moment!! (he can buy anything he wants in the cafeteria, any time he wants, but preferably on monday, please! :P with that smile please!!)

• First day of work in the school cafeteria. Wasn't even that bad. I have a hard time with the 'broodjes brie' (french cheese, right??), and calculating all the money... but practise makes perfect.
  
• First day my cold started properly... misery !!
  

TUESDAY: cold got worse.. depressed day.

WEDNESDAY:

• 2nd day of work. but found out I'm not working on wednesday anymore. Damn it! I want the money!!!
  
• Came home to find HellOfATester & Funeral Song waiting for me!! HOAT is so funky, I love it!! Haven't listened to FS yet, but I basically know the songs on it, so that'll come later today.
  
  blogspot is now giving me a hard time (won't do what I want), so I was goinmg to write a nice and beautiful end to this entry.. but since blogspot won't allow me to... I won't.