still alive.

I'm still alive and Im ok, incase some random person may have been wondering.

He is still cute and he always will be. I guess he is some certain person in my life, or something. I dunno. he is him, and that says it all for me.

Been a busy week with school. I think they put a lot of presure on us.
My grades completely suck, but I am working on it. I have been, the entire year actually. Go me... But I don't want to double this year. I just don't. It's not bad or something, I just want to stick with the people I am with now.

At the moment I feel so peaceful. There suddenly came this rush over me saying: it's going to be Ok.
But how do I know? I am going to prepare my presentation for tomorrow in a bit. I should have started hours ago. So how can I feel like everything is going to be Ok? And how do I know what is going to happen tomorrow? And how do I know what will happen in the future? How can my feeling tell me it's going to be Ok?

a dream I recently had, meant I was going to defeat my enemies. Might this be a sign?

Maybe I should blame HIM's One Last Time. Listening to it right now. Quiet, beautiful song. It's going to be on my "Sad CD", along with Aqualung. Makes me go silent..

The week is nearly over and I can't wait (for the weekend). Saturday I am picking up my new pet (the last one for me, I promise!) and Sunday there's a friend coming over. Just a bit of a social life. I could really do with one... lmao!

Beautiful sadness

Im sitting here, listening to Beautiful & Strange and Tongue tied Aqualung.

Oh-my-fucking-god is all I can say. Fantastic. Absolutely fasntastic.

I press the play button, as soon as the song starts I feel depressed. What a fantastic impact.
Beautifully depressed.

I can cry. I can cry cos I feel sad, and I can cry out of happiness for a friend who just seemed to have had the best day ever.

I feel happily depressed, I feel sadness depressed. I feel everything. I wish I could share it.

"By now you should've somehow realised what you're not to do"
"You left my heart an open wound, and I love you for this day"
"And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down, And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down, I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood, I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever"

It's not fair that you are you, it's not fair that you are so attractive, it's not fair that we get along so well, it's not fair that we felt/feel the same, it's not fair that you have a girlfriend, it's not fair that she calls you when you are with me. it's just not fucking fair.

Tongue tied - Aqualung (thnx somnus)
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
Lying
Beside you
Longing
To touch you

But this feels like the end

So tired
We are
Drifting
Too far
Eyes closed
Tightly
Thinking
There might be
Some way

But this feels like the end

What went wrong
I need to know
I can feel
You're letting go
Though there is
So much to say
I'm tongue tied

Tongue tied
Waiting
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
So near
Yet so far
Alone
Together

Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Feels like the end

Wow.. Im loving the weather these days. Wonderful sun. It does great things with my mood, things that can be ended in less then 30 seconds, so I've noticed.

Was in Rotterdam today. It's the day of literature. aha.
Anyway, heard some poetry, fiction, (stupid) interviews, etc. Also saw 2 band perform. One was boring, the other was funny. Good rock, but in Dutch which i dislike.
Was a very cute guy. Bam Margera look a like. nice :)

Haven't got much to say, but I thought I should update again. so there.

"hi."
"Hi. Can I have a ..."
"Yeah..."
.........
"75 cents"

:thud:

(new) Life

I was about to post pictures of a hottie and make some remarks on it, instead this entry will be a little bit different.

My mom just called me from downstairs.
A woman that used to work with my dad has got a son. This son has got a website and a heartdisorder.

My mom told me to go to that website and read the weblog, but kept saying not to be shocked or freak out.

The guy wrote his last entry. No one had any idea, but he decided to stop his medication which means he will probably die in a few days.
No one knows where he is, they only know he has been in the hospital earlier, but no one can reach him. Friends & family are in big uncertainty.
I feel sorry for them.

But I am not shocked, not freaked out.
I don't know the guy, but I feel a bit sad. But one feeling is far stronger: peace.
I feel so peaceful for him taking his own decissions. Controlling his own life.
He said that this is what he wants and he has never felt so good before, aside from the heartproblems he is experiencing.

I want to reply in his blog, telling him he made me feel peaceful, that I am impressed... But I can't, because his family and friends read it as well.

You probably think I am a freak. But I can't explain, it's an overwhelming feeling. Sadness and peace.

Yesterday was the worst dayof 2005 so far. Fucking crap day.

So, I'm 17 now. New year, new things.
One for now: I've decided to quit the hormonal obsessive teenie behaviour, when it comes to cute guys.
I hate myself for blabbing so much on guys I like, but who I'll never get to be with.
So I'm gonna cut the 'bla bla bla he did this, he did that' crap and only write when I actually have something usefull to tell. A chat, a date, a kiss .... But that's it.
So last entry on the cute guy: he was playing in the snow -- awwww!!

I once said I wasn't gonna change for anybody. You should take me as I am. You can only change when things start bothering yourself. and they do now.
It's not like I'm suddenly gonna be a whole new person, but I regret things I've said and done in the (recent) past. It's never too late to learn or change, and seeing as this is the 1st day of my "new" life, today would be a good start.

Dead party

Im not really in a happy mood, I never really am anymore, when it's my birthday. Home is a fake party, and whenever there are people it's not my party anymore, but others.

At school everyone basically forgot my birthday, and I was so freakin pissed off. I kept thinking like ROT IN FUCKING HELL!
But then my friend suddenly noticed and she was like 'omg, your birthday'. And she just sent me a fantastic card with kissing men. YUMMY LIKE HELL!

Then at the break I was sitting with some friends, and some others I don't really know. Very cute guy (my pray ;)) joined and now Im gonna kill myself, cos it was the best opportunity ever to start a convo, but I didn't..... *smacks herself*

The best prezzie came with the mail today: An enlarged photo of Pauli. taz took it 30/11 at the gig. Pauli is looking straight into the camera and is smiling... Im so gonna frame it
Tazzie: THANK YOUUUU!

There were a lot of b'day greetings on the net as well...
Im out of my 'rot in hell' mood now. but Im not really happy either... who gives a crap.