and you know whats even better? Since my stupid fucked up sister bought her own digi cam to take pix of her cock sucking bunny rabbits I haven't been able to load my pictures onto the computer anymore.
Freaking fantastic. That does great things with my mood.

I am seriously boiling with anger.
Omg, die all of you. leave me alone.

So here I am sitting at home, leading my boring life meanwhile I could have been at a party and meet new people.

A friend phoned, there's a party around here and she could take along anyone she wanted. So, she asked me to come along, I live near the place after all.
But fuck, just the thought of going there, being around people I don't know.. I just freaks me out. And I feel so fucking stupid now.

I wish I wasn't that shy, that wouldn't worry about how to act around those people... That I could just say: Hey cool, lets go. And meet people.

I suck, Ok?

And then there's also the fact that I am so shy around guys I like.. There's this guy and I think he's really cute. I would love to get to know him and he's easy to talk to.. But you know.. What have I got to offer him? I've basically got nothing to tell, cos I haven't got a life.

I want to get fucking rid of this "thing".
I like the guy, I want to get to know him.
I would want to go to the party, so I could get a life and get outside.

But here I am sitting at home complaining and being pissed off at myself. What a "life".

My own private.. Obsession

I have seriously developped an obsession for a movie and an actor that had been dead for nearly 12 years.

My own Private Idaho with River Phoenix & Keanue Reeves.
Wonder why? Here's why:
*all photos taken from http://www.myownprivateidaho.com*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi.jpg (<-- that should explain it all)

And then there's River Phoenix:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi4.jpg (omg!)

I've been reading about his death the past couple of days (could recommend the site findadeath.com for fun, but since there are some pix on there I wouldn't recommend (also some respectless ones, such as River Phoenix in his coffin and stuff) I'll give you another link so you can read about it http://www.franksreelreviews.com/shorttakes/phoenix.htm
if you are interested obviously.

then there is the forum me and my friend are trying to "wake up": http://cybermessageboard.fatcow.com/mopidotcom/index.php?sid=e00f0aec9622809c9f5dc393370ff3af

and my daily visit to myownprivateidaho.com & a one time visit to river-phoenix.org

Now it has gone so far that some of my future mice will be called Phoenix & Ida (after Idaho).

My own private obsession...

*totaly random: I have a babysit rat. how cool is that?*

Right, I'm gonna watch the trailer again (I am really excited ;) You'll get it when you've seen it. Downloadable at http://www.myownprivateidaho.com ;))

Piiku

http://img.photobucket.com/v291/Dez705/25042005piiku.jpg

You’re not gone yet Piiku, but you will be later today…
You’ve always been a little fighter and you’re still fighting right now. But I’ve decided yesterday that if you still haven’t passed away by today, I’d help you end the battle.

And so I will.

Somewhere in September I was in the petshop, staring at these little mice walking around in their cage. But I wasn’t allowed to get any. However, when I came back a little while later the staff showed me some mice and I completely fell in love with you. Your soft character and that beautiful black fur of yours. I was determined to get you. They told me to be quick, cos you’d be leaving the day after to go on “holiday”.
When I got home I started cleaning out a cage I had left and dad already sensed trouble. Yet, he gave in and just before closure time I went to pick you up.

You had this outstanding character. Tiny as you were you [i]had[/i] a character. You’d seek for attention when you wanted it, you liked nibbling on my fingers and biting my nails and you’d play with my hand.

But then you got ill. I seriously thought you wouldn’t make it. I hated seeing you like that.
But then someone told me you might be lonely, mice are group animals after all, which I didn’t know. I bought 2 little friends for you, Rasmus & Kaja, and in no time you were Ok again. You built up a tight friendship with Rasmus.

Later Ozzy joined you guys. Ozzy still doesn’t like me too much, but she gets along perfectly with you guys. You’re all such friendly creatures.

Every day you had the same habbits: wait for me after dinner till I fed you, followed by you and Rasmus playing with my hand, and later in the evening you’d wash yourself on the sleeping house. Every day over and over. And when you didn’t one day, I knew something was wrong.

You got ill again. I was devastated. It turned out to be an ear infection and I treated it with anti-biotic. The only thing that you have left from this ear infection is the fact you always keep your head tilted.

Now looking back on it, I am sure there was an ear infection, but there was more. You got ill again. I just knew you wouldn’t survive this time. Your illness went with ups and downs, until last weekend when I got see a tumour next to your ear. Things went downhill really fast.
You went into a separate cage last Saturday, cos the others were in your way. You have hardly moved since last Saturday. All you do is sleep, sleep, sleep.

I hoped you’d pass away peacefully in your sleep, but you didn’t. And promised you I’d make it alright, and so I will. I hope you agree with my decision.
It’s going to be so difficult. I don’t want to miss you. But it would only be fair, right?

Little Piiku, I love you so much and you will deeply missed by me, Rasmus, Kaja & Ozzy.
Thank you so much for everything.

Take care of yourself and say hi to everyone up there, Ok?

Until we meet again Piiku.

”Rest your head in my arms, I’ll protect you from harm”
Piiku will be put down later today. I will do it myself and not some random vet. I believe this is the least I can do for her. I write as if she’s already gone. She’s not, but I better write it now then later today. I am going to miss her like hell. She’s a special little creature to me, and I will never forget her.

Healing

an email I sent just a bit ago. Worth a post I guess.

ooh S****s, I feel so fantastic the past few days!

I think I am healing from the past 4 years (the shit of home). I feel happy. Just happy. And I realise now, feeling this, how unhappy I have been the past few years. I knew I was, but I thouhgt I was doing ok. But I feel happy, like I haven't felt for so long. Or maybe never before, cos I really can't remember this feeling. (that's one thing: I ahve forgotten about most of the years.)

But I'm scared that I am wrong. That I am not healing, that this feeling will pass.
I do have my occasional moodswings still.. But gosh, I feel butterflies and happiness just sitting on a chair, you know. I am just scared it'll pass.. I have felt like this for a few days and it feels so fantastic :( I don't want to loose it..

(.....)

And there were all these other things the other day, when my friend told me to spill out my problems. Really, there was only one I could think of (I have a problem with "socialising". mostly receiving help, cos I think I can deal with everything on my own. But I can't and when help is offered I turn my back on it, meanwhile I need it.) and she told me "next problem". Really, I couldn't think of a single thing. I felt fine.

And it freaks me out. I feel fantastic and I am plain scared it will pass....

Sorry for pouring out my heart here. I just had to write it down and get some feedback on it..
:help:

althought I do not want to sound desperate. or maybe not happy as it may sound... I am happy. I feel happy. I'm just scared., that's all...

photo-piss-bucket

I hope photobucket.com is jealous.

I officialy moved to image cage.com

Because of some stupid business fight between 2 French companies Wanadoo users experience problems with the net. They cannot view websites at all or partly.
Including photobucket where I have all my images stored.

Get it over with dickheads. Then at least I can started moving my images to imagecave.com.

(randomness. But I adore this photo: http://usera.imagecave.com/Dez/photos/P4090016.jpg (uploaded at imagecave.com. Jealous yet, photobucket??)
clockwise from the left: piiku, ozzy, rasmus, kaja... :))

Well well... My exams are finally over now. Had a few last week. I think I screwed them all up.. something I am seriously considering now is going to Havo, instead of keep doing something I am obviously not good enough for.
I don't have the attitude I should have and I don't want to make an effort to get that attitude. I'd rather pick the easy way out.

Last night I was also supposed to to celebrate the fact that the exams are over.. Instead I had to cancel it, due to a horrible stomach ache and feeling nacious.
I didn't throw up... Instead, my sister did who felt fine all day. Hooray hooray...

I spent last night lying on the couch watching braveheart. I was all emotional from the pain anyway, so I sobbed along with the movie.
I have to say I quite liked the movie.. And some of the actors as well ;)

some lyrics

The Rasmus - Swimming With The Kids Lyrics

I can't deny the fact that you know me better than I do,
it doesn't matter 'cos I know that you say that I'm a fool,
better than the best.
But if you only tell me that you love me, I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
A sunny day 'n' I'm feeling kinda guilty if I'm not going out,
if I'm not going anywhere.
Go ahead if you wanna play dead
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)

A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love.

Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come around.
Here I am, in control,
I know they won't let me down.
Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come along.
Here I am I'm swimming with,
here I am I'm swimming with the kids.

Back to the scene, go mad with the groove,
Yo if I miss it there's nothing you can do.
Own fault if you think too slow
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
So if you really don't wanna leave the bed,
I'll take a step back and let you play dead.
I ain't sure what this song is about,
But I'm sure I don't give a damn.

Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line.

__________
And I seriously don't give a damn. I feel so freaking fantastic. I wish i could explain. And I can, but I don't want to, and , and, and...

I don't give a damn. slow down, feet off the ground (...) here I am in control.

Wtf?

We've got a new printer. Now I can finaly print colour images. I fucking adore it. I was never able to do that!

I couldn't help but printing this: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/eep.jpg. And it made me wonder:
why the hell aren't I at least 5 years older, do I not live in Finland, and do we not know each other??
My holy fuck...

sportsday

after blowing a whistle yesterday (whistle bitch, I had to be a judge at the 3rd gardes football matches. "Judge, what's the score? Judge, we scored! Judge, didn't you see that? he did blablabla*" *= footballterms which I don't know.)it was our turn to sport. I chose badminton. Was there from.. I dunno, 9.30 till 15.00 and I played 3 fucing times. Indoor sportsday is such a freaking waste of time.

Thankfully I hang out with weird people. one came up with the sadistic version of spin the bottle. Fun to watch, but that's it. Im not that keen on pain ;)
Other than that it was a good laugh. Hopefully this will be the last indoor sportsday ever :)

Exams start next week. I've already screwed up my tight study scedule, so that sucks.
It's 1.15 AM now, going to bed in a bit and just read my school books before going to sleep... Not very interesting, but I want to make these exams right... a lot depends on it..

Have some bad news too, for me personaly. I don't think you are all gonna sit and cry when I tell you Piiku (mouse) is ill again... I have got this strange feeling though, she won't survive this time... :( (will explain if Im right. dont fancy going into it right now).

Last few words of the night:
Not bad... not bad at all.

and goodnight!

Party-heee

"We might as well through a real party!"
"yeah, invite all your friends!"

Oh wait a minute, I forgot I don't have any friends!

For a schoolproject we have to shoot a little film. All was set in 5 minutes. It;s supposed to be a group of 8, but a friend of mine & I had the same ideas, and we had it all sorted out in 5 minutes. But there was this girl sitting next to us, lonely... So it would have been harsh to leave her out. However, she looked kind of shocked when she the ideas we had for the movie. Wait till we shoot it hun!

Im looking forward to it. My friend has got some idiotic friends. One would perfectly suit the main character, and he agreed to play (didn't he..? Cant remember actually).
It includes a party scene, so we might as well have an actual party.

Invite all your friends, she said. And then there's no none (well... one certain person ;)) I can think of to invite. I know the people she knows from school (same school, same class, same kind of people. duh), so there's not many people to invite for me, other then them. I might look pathetic, I know. But I don't care.
I do have a few friends, but they all live too far away to invite (T,MN,L,R!) and there's the people from school who I hang out with and they are probably coming (after we've sorted it all out we can invite them. cos we just came up with this idea randomly today). Anywaaaay, sounds like a pretty fine idea to me. Maybe there will even be some slashy actions. You just never know, do you? :p

Anyway, more about that little movie of ours when it's shot. For now it's a pwetty secwet! :D

And I am officially in love since Sunday. With the Horrorpops
thnx to Rob ;)

And you know, I feel fine! After everything and everyone.. I guess it was the Horrorpops CD (that has been playing non stop since sunday) that distract me from thinking... :)

And remember my dream: I was going to defeat my enemie? Came true... I won playing chess last Sunday *grins* (and I quote his words: let's play chess again, so I can defeat you like I did last time. I don't think so mister :P)

now my Livejournal wannabe thingy:
music: The Rasmus - In the shadows acoustic. (listening still to be burned "Sad CD"
mood: Good, slightly hyperactive, and some more