Dead Letters

2005-05-13T16:37:00.000+02:00

this journal has moved to http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/dez705 :)

to continue or not to continue

2005-05-07T20:07:00.000+02:00

Alright, I think I am officialy moving to greatestjournal.com

I'm a bit lonely there without any friends, so therefore I am giving you the link now:
http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/dez705/

Dunno where I will continue.
I dunno. I am just fed up with blogspot. But I hate to leave the archive I built up here behind.
But other than that there are just things changing in my life, so I could leave behind what I have built up here and start overnew.

needless to say this blog will remain.

I just dunno where I will continue. Im awful, i doubt about everything.

Blogspot: + Archive, I know how to use it.
- Cannot use html, slow. Lay out changing is crap.

Greatest journal: + fast, lay out changing easy
+/- start overnew
- ....?

I dunno, you tell me. To continue or not to continue on blogspot.

2005-05-04T17:18:00.000+02:00

In addition to my last entry ("I need a boyfriend"):

Now love me ! *wink*

2005-05-04T17:07:00.000+02:00

-entry deleted-

Think I'm moving from blogspot. it's driving me fucking insane. can't even use html without fucking up your lay out...

can anyone recommend a journal hosting site, besides livejournal?

2005-05-03T20:24:00.000+02:00

Been reading German again since yesterday. Got another reading- and listeningfile coming, and I still have to catch up with last time.. This time I want to over-do it, but I don't think I'll manage to do that.. But at least I can get up to 1000 minutes, which I am supposed to.

I am determined to pass this year, after seeing I had gone from 8 bad (average) grades to 5.. I didn't even had a clue I had improved.
So anyway, I am gonna (try to) proove to everyone who believes I can't make it, that I will pass!

Other then that I saw The day after tomorrow yesterday. The movie itself was pretty awesome, just ending completely sucked. How cliché! Everyone survived, happy end, the world didn't get destroyed or whatsoever... Big turn off.
But it was pretty cool to come outside at midnight, after seeing the movie (in which there was a lot of bad weather, all signs that there was going to be a new ice age) and finding out it's all misty.. To wake up the next morning in a heavy rainstorm with continously thunder for about an hour.
Yeah baby!

So what else..? Music: Both My chemical romance albums are on order (I feel pretty guilty Rob, for letting you order it for me... *blushes shamefully* .... But again: Thank you!!!)
I've got a Nirvana song where Kurt Cobain moans loudly and nice. Yay! I like Nirvana. I downloaded some not well known songs (for me ;)) the other day and I really like it.. so yeah. another band to add to my "Good band list".

Aaand.. I need a boyfriend.
Seriously, I don't mean to be offensive.. But lately I've seen & read about certain people having a boyfriend and it makes me wonder what the hell I am doing wrong. Cos those people.. ehm.. Yeah, they're either ugly or really stupid. In worst case both.
So either I am just jealous, or I am even worse then they are.

Been working with html again today (see, Im a nerd ;)), and writing articles for pauli-therasmus.tk (which will be "moving" once everything is back online again. But it's just a change of URL. Currently still a big secret.)
I should get a fancy URL like .com or .net sometime. It's not eventhat expensive... It's just that my sites aren't "big" enough to buy a domain name. (although my forum has been getting freaking much hits per month. It's scary!)
And .tk is for free. so...

Anyway, gonna read some more articles now.
I kind of like it; i have sceduled my time a bit. This makes me think I have more grip on things.. It's good. :)
Life is not too bad (anymore). It'll get good/better. :) :) :)

I AM DESPERATE!!

2005-05-02T13:57:00.000+02:00

I need the fucking My Chemical Romance CD!

PLEASE help me, can someone order it for me online or something (it's called Large.nl or play.com.) I don't care! I will pay you back obviously, but I am dying here.
i can't fucking wait till 27/05 anymore!

My ither MCr album (bullets) should arrive this week, now I just need 3 cheers... oh gosh.. Help. I'm desperate!

2005-05-01T14:29:00.000+02:00

I should really learn to control my temper, shouldn't I?
It's less now, but I used to have these angry moods very often. It was very frustrating, cos I got so upset i could harm myself (mind the could. I never did so). I was just so angry I didn't what to do. And I always had to bottle it up. If I didn't then there was war.

I hadn't had such an angry mood in ages, but yeah.. I did it again last night. Thankfully I was pissed at myself and not blaming anyone else for something.

Last night was kind of fun, btw. I let my "babysitrat" (Ties) out of his cage, and let him walk around in the bathtub (bathtub? yes bathtub. He leaves this wet trail of stinky smelly yuck behind and I didn't fancy scrubbing the entire floor after he was finished playing around). Anyway, I joined him in the bathtub and he kept climbing upon me and licking my hands and stuff. He's a complete cutie.
I'd love to show you photos, but as I said before; I can't load my photos onto the comp anymore.. So yeah. I played with the rat, while others were at a party ;)

After that I watched Der Untergang. I can't say I was really impressed.. Somehow this war stuff doesnt seem to impress me too much (Ypres. been there.. Wasn't impressed. Pnly by the gasmasks). The end of Der Untergang was Ok-ish. When they drove of with the bicycle, and the story of what happened to the main characters of the film (obv. the actual war people and not the actors).

After that Dad flicked through the channels and I saw Batlle Royale. Friends of mine talk about it frequently, but I hadn't seen it before so I stayed up until 2.30 AM to watch the movie, of which I didn't get a crap (fell in half way the movie). And I am sorry: but I also thought it was boring..

So anyway, it's freaking good weather today. I wanted to go out with a friend, but she can't go. So maybe tonight.

Instead I am going over to my sister and also watch a bit of MTV's Gay Weekend ^_^ Yay!

Having the window fully open, listening to live music coming from the market. It's "vrijmarkt". (market where you can sell all your old crap).
From a distance this live band sounds good, so aslong as I don't come near I can enjoy it (cos face it; these bands that perform are usualy compelte crap).

This weekend (or Monday I suppose) Dad and I are gonna book our vacation to Rome. I had done some research before and Dad was all enthusiastic on how cheap it was, when in my eyes it was just plain expensive. So I did some more research (like in "Going-to-the-UK-for-a-gig" style, which is always as cheap as possible) and yeah.. It turned out to be far less expensive. about 200/300 Euros cheaper. Go me!
Maybe I should become a travelagent .. (nah!)

Enough blabbing for now. Going to my sis.

2005-04-30T20:54:00.000+02:00

and you know whats even better? Since my stupid fucked up sister bought her own digi cam to take pix of her cock sucking bunny rabbits I haven't been able to load my pictures onto the computer anymore.
Freaking fantastic. That does great things with my mood.

I am seriously boiling with anger.
Omg, die all of you. leave me alone.

2005-04-30T20:28:00.000+02:00

So here I am sitting at home, leading my boring life meanwhile I could have been at a party and meet new people.

A friend phoned, there's a party around here and she could take along anyone she wanted. So, she asked me to come along, I live near the place after all.
But fuck, just the thought of going there, being around people I don't know.. I just freaks me out. And I feel so fucking stupid now.

I wish I wasn't that shy, that wouldn't worry about how to act around those people... That I could just say: Hey cool, lets go. And meet people.

I suck, Ok?

And then there's also the fact that I am so shy around guys I like.. There's this guy and I think he's really cute. I would love to get to know him and he's easy to talk to.. But you know.. What have I got to offer him? I've basically got nothing to tell, cos I haven't got a life.

I want to get fucking rid of this "thing".
I like the guy, I want to get to know him.
I would want to go to the party, so I could get a life and get outside.

But here I am sitting at home complaining and being pissed off at myself. What a "life".

My own private.. Obsession

2005-04-28T20:52:00.000+02:00

I have seriously developped an obsession for a movie and an actor that had been dead for nearly 12 years.

My own Private Idaho with River Phoenix & Keanue Reeves.
Wonder why? Here's why:
*all photos taken from http://www.myownprivateidaho.com*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi.jpg (<-- that should explain it all)

And then there's River Phoenix:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi4.jpg (omg!)

I've been reading about his death the past couple of days (could recommend the site findadeath.com for fun, but since there are some pix on there I wouldn't recommend (also some respectless ones, such as River Phoenix in his coffin and stuff) I'll give you another link so you can read about it http://www.franksreelreviews.com/shorttakes/phoenix.htm
if you are interested obviously.

then there is the forum me and my friend are trying to "wake up": http://cybermessageboard.fatcow.com/mopidotcom/index.php?sid=e00f0aec9622809c9f5dc393370ff3af

and my daily visit to myownprivateidaho.com & a one time visit to river-phoenix.org

Now it has gone so far that some of my future mice will be called Phoenix & Ida (after Idaho).

My own private obsession...

*totaly random: I have a babysit rat. how cool is that?*

Right, I'm gonna watch the trailer again (I am really excited ;) You'll get it when you've seen it. Downloadable at http://www.myownprivateidaho.com ;))

Piiku

2005-04-25T16:28:00.000+02:00

http://img.photobucket.com/v291/Dez705/25042005piiku.jpg

You’re not gone yet Piiku, but you will be later today…
You’ve always been a little fighter and you’re still fighting right now. But I’ve decided yesterday that if you still haven’t passed away by today, I’d help you end the battle.

And so I will.

Somewhere in September I was in the petshop, staring at these little mice walking around in their cage. But I wasn’t allowed to get any. However, when I came back a little while later the staff showed me some mice and I completely fell in love with you. Your soft character and that beautiful black fur of yours. I was determined to get you. They told me to be quick, cos you’d be leaving the day after to go on “holiday”.
When I got home I started cleaning out a cage I had left and dad already sensed trouble. Yet, he gave in and just before closure time I went to pick you up.

You had this outstanding character. Tiny as you were you [i]had[/i] a character. You’d seek for attention when you wanted it, you liked nibbling on my fingers and biting my nails and you’d play with my hand.

But then you got ill. I seriously thought you wouldn’t make it. I hated seeing you like that.
But then someone told me you might be lonely, mice are group animals after all, which I didn’t know. I bought 2 little friends for you, Rasmus & Kaja, and in no time you were Ok again. You built up a tight friendship with Rasmus.

Later Ozzy joined you guys. Ozzy still doesn’t like me too much, but she gets along perfectly with you guys. You’re all such friendly creatures.

Every day you had the same habbits: wait for me after dinner till I fed you, followed by you and Rasmus playing with my hand, and later in the evening you’d wash yourself on the sleeping house. Every day over and over. And when you didn’t one day, I knew something was wrong.

You got ill again. I was devastated. It turned out to be an ear infection and I treated it with anti-biotic. The only thing that you have left from this ear infection is the fact you always keep your head tilted.

Now looking back on it, I am sure there was an ear infection, but there was more. You got ill again. I just knew you wouldn’t survive this time. Your illness went with ups and downs, until last weekend when I got see a tumour next to your ear. Things went downhill really fast.
You went into a separate cage last Saturday, cos the others were in your way. You have hardly moved since last Saturday. All you do is sleep, sleep, sleep.

I hoped you’d pass away peacefully in your sleep, but you didn’t. And promised you I’d make it alright, and so I will. I hope you agree with my decision.
It’s going to be so difficult. I don’t want to miss you. But it would only be fair, right?

Little Piiku, I love you so much and you will deeply missed by me, Rasmus, Kaja & Ozzy.
Thank you so much for everything.

Take care of yourself and say hi to everyone up there, Ok?

Until we meet again Piiku.

”Rest your head in my arms, I’ll protect you from harm”
Piiku will be put down later today. I will do it myself and not some random vet. I believe this is the least I can do for her. I write as if she’s already gone. She’s not, but I better write it now then later today. I am going to miss her like hell. She’s a special little creature to me, and I will never forget her.

Healing

2005-04-22T20:37:00.000+02:00

an email I sent just a bit ago. Worth a post I guess.

ooh S****s, I feel so fantastic the past few days!

I think I am healing from the past 4 years (the shit of home). I feel happy. Just happy. And I realise now, feeling this, how unhappy I have been the past few years. I knew I was, but I thouhgt I was doing ok. But I feel happy, like I haven't felt for so long. Or maybe never before, cos I really can't remember this feeling. (that's one thing: I ahve forgotten about most of the years.)

But I'm scared that I am wrong. That I am not healing, that this feeling will pass.
I do have my occasional moodswings still.. But gosh, I feel butterflies and happiness just sitting on a chair, you know. I am just scared it'll pass.. I have felt like this for a few days and it feels so fantastic :( I don't want to loose it..

(.....)

And there were all these other things the other day, when my friend told me to spill out my problems. Really, there was only one I could think of (I have a problem with "socialising". mostly receiving help, cos I think I can deal with everything on my own. But I can't and when help is offered I turn my back on it, meanwhile I need it.) and she told me "next problem". Really, I couldn't think of a single thing. I felt fine.

And it freaks me out. I feel fantastic and I am plain scared it will pass....

Sorry for pouring out my heart here. I just had to write it down and get some feedback on it..
:help:

althought I do not want to sound desperate. or maybe not happy as it may sound... I am happy. I feel happy. I'm just scared., that's all...

photo-piss-bucket

2005-04-19T20:17:00.000+02:00

I hope photobucket.com is jealous.

I officialy moved to image cage.com

Because of some stupid business fight between 2 French companies Wanadoo users experience problems with the net. They cannot view websites at all or partly.
Including photobucket where I have all my images stored.

Get it over with dickheads. Then at least I can started moving my images to imagecave.com.

(randomness. But I adore this photo: http://usera.imagecave.com/Dez/photos/P4090016.jpg (uploaded at imagecave.com. Jealous yet, photobucket??)
clockwise from the left: piiku, ozzy, rasmus, kaja... :))

2005-04-17T14:19:00.000+02:00

Well well... My exams are finally over now. Had a few last week. I think I screwed them all up.. something I am seriously considering now is going to Havo, instead of keep doing something I am obviously not good enough for.
I don't have the attitude I should have and I don't want to make an effort to get that attitude. I'd rather pick the easy way out.

Last night I was also supposed to to celebrate the fact that the exams are over.. Instead I had to cancel it, due to a horrible stomach ache and feeling nacious.
I didn't throw up... Instead, my sister did who felt fine all day. Hooray hooray...

I spent last night lying on the couch watching braveheart. I was all emotional from the pain anyway, so I sobbed along with the movie.
I have to say I quite liked the movie.. And some of the actors as well ;)

some lyrics

2005-04-11T16:27:00.000+02:00

The Rasmus - Swimming With The Kids Lyrics

I can't deny the fact that you know me better than I do,
it doesn't matter 'cos I know that you say that I'm a fool,
better than the best.
But if you only tell me that you love me, I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
A sunny day 'n' I'm feeling kinda guilty if I'm not going out,
if I'm not going anywhere.
Go ahead if you wanna play dead
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)

A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love.

Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come around.
Here I am, in control,
I know they won't let me down.
Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come along.
Here I am I'm swimming with,
here I am I'm swimming with the kids.

Back to the scene, go mad with the groove,
Yo if I miss it there's nothing you can do.
Own fault if you think too slow
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
So if you really don't wanna leave the bed,
I'll take a step back and let you play dead.
I ain't sure what this song is about,
But I'm sure I don't give a damn.

Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line.

__________
And I seriously don't give a damn. I feel so freaking fantastic. I wish i could explain. And I can, but I don't want to, and , and, and...

I don't give a damn. slow down, feet off the ground (...) here I am in control.

Wtf?

2005-04-09T18:45:00.000+02:00

We've got a new printer. Now I can finaly print colour images. I fucking adore it. I was never able to do that!

I couldn't help but printing this: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/eep.jpg. And it made me wonder:
why the hell aren't I at least 5 years older, do I not live in Finland, and do we not know each other??
My holy fuck...

sportsday

2005-04-09T01:14:00.000+02:00

after blowing a whistle yesterday (whistle bitch, I had to be a judge at the 3rd gardes football matches. "Judge, what's the score? Judge, we scored! Judge, didn't you see that? he did blablabla*" *= footballterms which I don't know.)it was our turn to sport. I chose badminton. Was there from.. I dunno, 9.30 till 15.00 and I played 3 fucing times. Indoor sportsday is such a freaking waste of time.

Thankfully I hang out with weird people. one came up with the sadistic version of spin the bottle. Fun to watch, but that's it. Im not that keen on pain ;)
Other than that it was a good laugh. Hopefully this will be the last indoor sportsday ever :)

Exams start next week. I've already screwed up my tight study scedule, so that sucks.
It's 1.15 AM now, going to bed in a bit and just read my school books before going to sleep... Not very interesting, but I want to make these exams right... a lot depends on it..

Have some bad news too, for me personaly. I don't think you are all gonna sit and cry when I tell you Piiku (mouse) is ill again... I have got this strange feeling though, she won't survive this time... :( (will explain if Im right. dont fancy going into it right now).

Last few words of the night:
Not bad... not bad at all.

and goodnight!

Party-heee

2005-04-06T16:42:00.000+02:00

"We might as well through a real party!"
"yeah, invite all your friends!"

Oh wait a minute, I forgot I don't have any friends!

For a schoolproject we have to shoot a little film. All was set in 5 minutes. It;s supposed to be a group of 8, but a friend of mine & I had the same ideas, and we had it all sorted out in 5 minutes. But there was this girl sitting next to us, lonely... So it would have been harsh to leave her out. However, she looked kind of shocked when she the ideas we had for the movie. Wait till we shoot it hun!

Im looking forward to it. My friend has got some idiotic friends. One would perfectly suit the main character, and he agreed to play (didn't he..? Cant remember actually).
It includes a party scene, so we might as well have an actual party.

Invite all your friends, she said. And then there's no none (well... one certain person ;)) I can think of to invite. I know the people she knows from school (same school, same class, same kind of people. duh), so there's not many people to invite for me, other then them. I might look pathetic, I know. But I don't care.
I do have a few friends, but they all live too far away to invite (T,MN,L,R!) and there's the people from school who I hang out with and they are probably coming (after we've sorted it all out we can invite them. cos we just came up with this idea randomly today). Anywaaaay, sounds like a pretty fine idea to me. Maybe there will even be some slashy actions. You just never know, do you? :p

Anyway, more about that little movie of ours when it's shot. For now it's a pwetty secwet! :D

And I am officially in love since Sunday. With the Horrorpops
thnx to Rob ;)

And you know, I feel fine! After everything and everyone.. I guess it was the Horrorpops CD (that has been playing non stop since sunday) that distract me from thinking... :)

And remember my dream: I was going to defeat my enemie? Came true... I won playing chess last Sunday *grins* (and I quote his words: let's play chess again, so I can defeat you like I did last time. I don't think so mister :P)

now my Livejournal wannabe thingy:
music: The Rasmus - In the shadows acoustic. (listening still to be burned "Sad CD"
mood: Good, slightly hyperactive, and some more

still alive.

2005-03-31T17:22:00.000+02:00

I'm still alive and Im ok, incase some random person may have been wondering.

He is still cute and he always will be. I guess he is some certain person in my life, or something. I dunno. he is him, and that says it all for me.

Been a busy week with school. I think they put a lot of presure on us.
My grades completely suck, but I am working on it. I have been, the entire year actually. Go me... But I don't want to double this year. I just don't. It's not bad or something, I just want to stick with the people I am with now.

At the moment I feel so peaceful. There suddenly came this rush over me saying: it's going to be Ok.
But how do I know? I am going to prepare my presentation for tomorrow in a bit. I should have started hours ago. So how can I feel like everything is going to be Ok? And how do I know what is going to happen tomorrow? And how do I know what will happen in the future? How can my feeling tell me it's going to be Ok?

a dream I recently had, meant I was going to defeat my enemies. Might this be a sign?

Maybe I should blame HIM's One Last Time. Listening to it right now. Quiet, beautiful song. It's going to be on my "Sad CD", along with Aqualung. Makes me go silent..

The week is nearly over and I can't wait (for the weekend). Saturday I am picking up my new pet (the last one for me, I promise!) and Sunday there's a friend coming over. Just a bit of a social life. I could really do with one... lmao!

Beautiful sadness

2005-03-23T19:30:00.000+01:00

Im sitting here, listening to Beautiful & Strange and Tongue tied Aqualung.

Oh-my-fucking-god is all I can say. Fantastic. Absolutely fasntastic.

I press the play button, as soon as the song starts I feel depressed. What a fantastic impact.
Beautifully depressed.

I can cry. I can cry cos I feel sad, and I can cry out of happiness for a friend who just seemed to have had the best day ever.

I feel happily depressed, I feel sadness depressed. I feel everything. I wish I could share it.

2005-03-22T13:40:00.000+01:00

"By now you should've somehow realised what you're not to do"
"You left my heart an open wound, and I love you for this day"
"And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down, And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down, I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood, I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever"

It's not fair that you are you, it's not fair that you are so attractive, it's not fair that we get along so well, it's not fair that we felt/feel the same, it's not fair that you have a girlfriend, it's not fair that she calls you when you are with me. it's just not fucking fair.

Tongue tied - Aqualung (thnx somnus)
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
Lying
Beside you
Longing
To touch you

But this feels like the end

So tired
We are
Drifting
Too far
Eyes closed
Tightly
Thinking
There might be
Some way

But this feels like the end

What went wrong
I need to know
I can feel
You're letting go
Though there is
So much to say
I'm tongue tied

Tongue tied
Waiting
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
So near
Yet so far
Alone
Together

Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Feels like the end

2005-03-17T19:58:00.000+01:00

Wow.. Im loving the weather these days. Wonderful sun. It does great things with my mood, things that can be ended in less then 30 seconds, so I've noticed.

Was in Rotterdam today. It's the day of literature. aha.
Anyway, heard some poetry, fiction, (stupid) interviews, etc. Also saw 2 band perform. One was boring, the other was funny. Good rock, but in Dutch which i dislike.
Was a very cute guy. Bam Margera look a like. nice :)

Haven't got much to say, but I thought I should update again. so there.

2005-03-09T15:50:00.000+01:00

"hi."
"Hi. Can I have a ..."
"Yeah..."
.........
"75 cents"

:thud:

(new) Life

2005-03-07T16:58:00.000+01:00

I was about to post pictures of a hottie and make some remarks on it, instead this entry will be a little bit different.

My mom just called me from downstairs.
A woman that used to work with my dad has got a son. This son has got a website and a heartdisorder.

My mom told me to go to that website and read the weblog, but kept saying not to be shocked or freak out.

The guy wrote his last entry. No one had any idea, but he decided to stop his medication which means he will probably die in a few days.
No one knows where he is, they only know he has been in the hospital earlier, but no one can reach him. Friends & family are in big uncertainty.
I feel sorry for them.

But I am not shocked, not freaked out.
I don't know the guy, but I feel a bit sad. But one feeling is far stronger: peace.
I feel so peaceful for him taking his own decissions. Controlling his own life.
He said that this is what he wants and he has never felt so good before, aside from the heartproblems he is experiencing.

I want to reply in his blog, telling him he made me feel peaceful, that I am impressed... But I can't, because his family and friends read it as well.

You probably think I am a freak. But I can't explain, it's an overwhelming feeling. Sadness and peace.

2005-03-03T13:59:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was the worst dayof 2005 so far. Fucking crap day.

So, I'm 17 now. New year, new things.
One for now: I've decided to quit the hormonal obsessive teenie behaviour, when it comes to cute guys.
I hate myself for blabbing so much on guys I like, but who I'll never get to be with.
So I'm gonna cut the 'bla bla bla he did this, he did that' crap and only write when I actually have something usefull to tell. A chat, a date, a kiss .... But that's it.
So last entry on the cute guy: he was playing in the snow -- awwww!!

I once said I wasn't gonna change for anybody. You should take me as I am. You can only change when things start bothering yourself. and they do now.
It's not like I'm suddenly gonna be a whole new person, but I regret things I've said and done in the (recent) past. It's never too late to learn or change, and seeing as this is the 1st day of my "new" life, today would be a good start.