Dead Letters

2005-05-13T16:37:00.000+02:00

this journal has moved to http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/dez705 :)

to continue or not to continue

2005-05-07T20:07:00.000+02:00

Alright, I think I am officialy moving to greatestjournal.com

I'm a bit lonely there without any friends, so therefore I am giving you the link now:
http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/dez705/

Dunno where I will continue.
I dunno. I am just fed up with blogspot. But I hate to leave the archive I built up here behind.
But other than that there are just things changing in my life, so I could leave behind what I have built up here and start overnew.

needless to say this blog will remain.

I just dunno where I will continue. Im awful, i doubt about everything.

Blogspot: + Archive, I know how to use it.
- Cannot use html, slow. Lay out changing is crap.

Greatest journal: + fast, lay out changing easy
+/- start overnew
- ....?

I dunno, you tell me. To continue or not to continue on blogspot.

2005-05-04T17:18:00.000+02:00

In addition to my last entry ("I need a boyfriend"):

Now love me ! *wink*

2005-05-04T17:07:00.000+02:00

-entry deleted-

Think I'm moving from blogspot. it's driving me fucking insane. can't even use html without fucking up your lay out...

can anyone recommend a journal hosting site, besides livejournal?

2005-05-03T20:24:00.000+02:00

Been reading German again since yesterday. Got another reading- and listeningfile coming, and I still have to catch up with last time.. This time I want to over-do it, but I don't think I'll manage to do that.. But at least I can get up to 1000 minutes, which I am supposed to.

I am determined to pass this year, after seeing I had gone from 8 bad (average) grades to 5.. I didn't even had a clue I had improved.
So anyway, I am gonna (try to) proove to everyone who believes I can't make it, that I will pass!

Other then that I saw The day after tomorrow yesterday. The movie itself was pretty awesome, just ending completely sucked. How cliché! Everyone survived, happy end, the world didn't get destroyed or whatsoever... Big turn off.
But it was pretty cool to come outside at midnight, after seeing the movie (in which there was a lot of bad weather, all signs that there was going to be a new ice age) and finding out it's all misty.. To wake up the next morning in a heavy rainstorm with continously thunder for about an hour.
Yeah baby!

So what else..? Music: Both My chemical romance albums are on order (I feel pretty guilty Rob, for letting you order it for me... *blushes shamefully* .... But again: Thank you!!!)
I've got a Nirvana song where Kurt Cobain moans loudly and nice. Yay! I like Nirvana. I downloaded some not well known songs (for me ;)) the other day and I really like it.. so yeah. another band to add to my "Good band list".

Aaand.. I need a boyfriend.
Seriously, I don't mean to be offensive.. But lately I've seen & read about certain people having a boyfriend and it makes me wonder what the hell I am doing wrong. Cos those people.. ehm.. Yeah, they're either ugly or really stupid. In worst case both.
So either I am just jealous, or I am even worse then they are.

Been working with html again today (see, Im a nerd ;)), and writing articles for pauli-therasmus.tk (which will be "moving" once everything is back online again. But it's just a change of URL. Currently still a big secret.)
I should get a fancy URL like .com or .net sometime. It's not eventhat expensive... It's just that my sites aren't "big" enough to buy a domain name. (although my forum has been getting freaking much hits per month. It's scary!)
And .tk is for free. so...

Anyway, gonna read some more articles now.
I kind of like it; i have sceduled my time a bit. This makes me think I have more grip on things.. It's good. :)
Life is not too bad (anymore). It'll get good/better. :) :) :)

I AM DESPERATE!!

2005-05-02T13:57:00.000+02:00

I need the fucking My Chemical Romance CD!

PLEASE help me, can someone order it for me online or something (it's called Large.nl or play.com.) I don't care! I will pay you back obviously, but I am dying here.
i can't fucking wait till 27/05 anymore!

My ither MCr album (bullets) should arrive this week, now I just need 3 cheers... oh gosh.. Help. I'm desperate!

2005-05-01T14:29:00.000+02:00

I should really learn to control my temper, shouldn't I?
It's less now, but I used to have these angry moods very often. It was very frustrating, cos I got so upset i could harm myself (mind the could. I never did so). I was just so angry I didn't what to do. And I always had to bottle it up. If I didn't then there was war.

I hadn't had such an angry mood in ages, but yeah.. I did it again last night. Thankfully I was pissed at myself and not blaming anyone else for something.

Last night was kind of fun, btw. I let my "babysitrat" (Ties) out of his cage, and let him walk around in the bathtub (bathtub? yes bathtub. He leaves this wet trail of stinky smelly yuck behind and I didn't fancy scrubbing the entire floor after he was finished playing around). Anyway, I joined him in the bathtub and he kept climbing upon me and licking my hands and stuff. He's a complete cutie.
I'd love to show you photos, but as I said before; I can't load my photos onto the comp anymore.. So yeah. I played with the rat, while others were at a party ;)

After that I watched Der Untergang. I can't say I was really impressed.. Somehow this war stuff doesnt seem to impress me too much (Ypres. been there.. Wasn't impressed. Pnly by the gasmasks). The end of Der Untergang was Ok-ish. When they drove of with the bicycle, and the story of what happened to the main characters of the film (obv. the actual war people and not the actors).

After that Dad flicked through the channels and I saw Batlle Royale. Friends of mine talk about it frequently, but I hadn't seen it before so I stayed up until 2.30 AM to watch the movie, of which I didn't get a crap (fell in half way the movie). And I am sorry: but I also thought it was boring..

So anyway, it's freaking good weather today. I wanted to go out with a friend, but she can't go. So maybe tonight.

Instead I am going over to my sister and also watch a bit of MTV's Gay Weekend ^_^ Yay!

Having the window fully open, listening to live music coming from the market. It's "vrijmarkt". (market where you can sell all your old crap).
From a distance this live band sounds good, so aslong as I don't come near I can enjoy it (cos face it; these bands that perform are usualy compelte crap).

This weekend (or Monday I suppose) Dad and I are gonna book our vacation to Rome. I had done some research before and Dad was all enthusiastic on how cheap it was, when in my eyes it was just plain expensive. So I did some more research (like in "Going-to-the-UK-for-a-gig" style, which is always as cheap as possible) and yeah.. It turned out to be far less expensive. about 200/300 Euros cheaper. Go me!
Maybe I should become a travelagent .. (nah!)

Enough blabbing for now. Going to my sis.

2005-04-30T20:54:00.000+02:00

and you know whats even better? Since my stupid fucked up sister bought her own digi cam to take pix of her cock sucking bunny rabbits I haven't been able to load my pictures onto the computer anymore.
Freaking fantastic. That does great things with my mood.

I am seriously boiling with anger.
Omg, die all of you. leave me alone.

2005-04-30T20:28:00.000+02:00

So here I am sitting at home, leading my boring life meanwhile I could have been at a party and meet new people.

A friend phoned, there's a party around here and she could take along anyone she wanted. So, she asked me to come along, I live near the place after all.
But fuck, just the thought of going there, being around people I don't know.. I just freaks me out. And I feel so fucking stupid now.

I wish I wasn't that shy, that wouldn't worry about how to act around those people... That I could just say: Hey cool, lets go. And meet people.

I suck, Ok?

And then there's also the fact that I am so shy around guys I like.. There's this guy and I think he's really cute. I would love to get to know him and he's easy to talk to.. But you know.. What have I got to offer him? I've basically got nothing to tell, cos I haven't got a life.

I want to get fucking rid of this "thing".
I like the guy, I want to get to know him.
I would want to go to the party, so I could get a life and get outside.

But here I am sitting at home complaining and being pissed off at myself. What a "life".

My own private.. Obsession

2005-04-28T20:52:00.000+02:00

I have seriously developped an obsession for a movie and an actor that had been dead for nearly 12 years.

My own Private Idaho with River Phoenix & Keanue Reeves.
Wonder why? Here's why:
*all photos taken from http://www.myownprivateidaho.com*
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi.jpg (<-- that should explain it all)

And then there's River Phoenix:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/other/mopi4.jpg (omg!)

I've been reading about his death the past couple of days (could recommend the site findadeath.com for fun, but since there are some pix on there I wouldn't recommend (also some respectless ones, such as River Phoenix in his coffin and stuff) I'll give you another link so you can read about it http://www.franksreelreviews.com/shorttakes/phoenix.htm
if you are interested obviously.

then there is the forum me and my friend are trying to "wake up": http://cybermessageboard.fatcow.com/mopidotcom/index.php?sid=e00f0aec9622809c9f5dc393370ff3af

and my daily visit to myownprivateidaho.com & a one time visit to river-phoenix.org

Now it has gone so far that some of my future mice will be called Phoenix & Ida (after Idaho).

My own private obsession...

*totaly random: I have a babysit rat. how cool is that?*

Right, I'm gonna watch the trailer again (I am really excited ;) You'll get it when you've seen it. Downloadable at http://www.myownprivateidaho.com ;))

Piiku

2005-04-25T16:28:00.000+02:00

http://img.photobucket.com/v291/Dez705/25042005piiku.jpg

You’re not gone yet Piiku, but you will be later today…
You’ve always been a little fighter and you’re still fighting right now. But I’ve decided yesterday that if you still haven’t passed away by today, I’d help you end the battle.

And so I will.

Somewhere in September I was in the petshop, staring at these little mice walking around in their cage. But I wasn’t allowed to get any. However, when I came back a little while later the staff showed me some mice and I completely fell in love with you. Your soft character and that beautiful black fur of yours. I was determined to get you. They told me to be quick, cos you’d be leaving the day after to go on “holiday”.
When I got home I started cleaning out a cage I had left and dad already sensed trouble. Yet, he gave in and just before closure time I went to pick you up.

You had this outstanding character. Tiny as you were you [i]had[/i] a character. You’d seek for attention when you wanted it, you liked nibbling on my fingers and biting my nails and you’d play with my hand.

But then you got ill. I seriously thought you wouldn’t make it. I hated seeing you like that.
But then someone told me you might be lonely, mice are group animals after all, which I didn’t know. I bought 2 little friends for you, Rasmus & Kaja, and in no time you were Ok again. You built up a tight friendship with Rasmus.

Later Ozzy joined you guys. Ozzy still doesn’t like me too much, but she gets along perfectly with you guys. You’re all such friendly creatures.

Every day you had the same habbits: wait for me after dinner till I fed you, followed by you and Rasmus playing with my hand, and later in the evening you’d wash yourself on the sleeping house. Every day over and over. And when you didn’t one day, I knew something was wrong.

You got ill again. I was devastated. It turned out to be an ear infection and I treated it with anti-biotic. The only thing that you have left from this ear infection is the fact you always keep your head tilted.

Now looking back on it, I am sure there was an ear infection, but there was more. You got ill again. I just knew you wouldn’t survive this time. Your illness went with ups and downs, until last weekend when I got see a tumour next to your ear. Things went downhill really fast.
You went into a separate cage last Saturday, cos the others were in your way. You have hardly moved since last Saturday. All you do is sleep, sleep, sleep.

I hoped you’d pass away peacefully in your sleep, but you didn’t. And promised you I’d make it alright, and so I will. I hope you agree with my decision.
It’s going to be so difficult. I don’t want to miss you. But it would only be fair, right?

Little Piiku, I love you so much and you will deeply missed by me, Rasmus, Kaja & Ozzy.
Thank you so much for everything.

Take care of yourself and say hi to everyone up there, Ok?

Until we meet again Piiku.

”Rest your head in my arms, I’ll protect you from harm”
Piiku will be put down later today. I will do it myself and not some random vet. I believe this is the least I can do for her. I write as if she’s already gone. She’s not, but I better write it now then later today. I am going to miss her like hell. She’s a special little creature to me, and I will never forget her.

Healing

2005-04-22T20:37:00.000+02:00

an email I sent just a bit ago. Worth a post I guess.

ooh S****s, I feel so fantastic the past few days!

I think I am healing from the past 4 years (the shit of home). I feel happy. Just happy. And I realise now, feeling this, how unhappy I have been the past few years. I knew I was, but I thouhgt I was doing ok. But I feel happy, like I haven't felt for so long. Or maybe never before, cos I really can't remember this feeling. (that's one thing: I ahve forgotten about most of the years.)

But I'm scared that I am wrong. That I am not healing, that this feeling will pass.
I do have my occasional moodswings still.. But gosh, I feel butterflies and happiness just sitting on a chair, you know. I am just scared it'll pass.. I have felt like this for a few days and it feels so fantastic :( I don't want to loose it..

(.....)

And there were all these other things the other day, when my friend told me to spill out my problems. Really, there was only one I could think of (I have a problem with "socialising". mostly receiving help, cos I think I can deal with everything on my own. But I can't and when help is offered I turn my back on it, meanwhile I need it.) and she told me "next problem". Really, I couldn't think of a single thing. I felt fine.

And it freaks me out. I feel fantastic and I am plain scared it will pass....

Sorry for pouring out my heart here. I just had to write it down and get some feedback on it..
:help:

althought I do not want to sound desperate. or maybe not happy as it may sound... I am happy. I feel happy. I'm just scared., that's all...

photo-piss-bucket

2005-04-19T20:17:00.000+02:00

I hope photobucket.com is jealous.

I officialy moved to image cage.com

Because of some stupid business fight between 2 French companies Wanadoo users experience problems with the net. They cannot view websites at all or partly.
Including photobucket where I have all my images stored.

Get it over with dickheads. Then at least I can started moving my images to imagecave.com.

(randomness. But I adore this photo: http://usera.imagecave.com/Dez/photos/P4090016.jpg (uploaded at imagecave.com. Jealous yet, photobucket??)
clockwise from the left: piiku, ozzy, rasmus, kaja... :))

2005-04-17T14:19:00.000+02:00

Well well... My exams are finally over now. Had a few last week. I think I screwed them all up.. something I am seriously considering now is going to Havo, instead of keep doing something I am obviously not good enough for.
I don't have the attitude I should have and I don't want to make an effort to get that attitude. I'd rather pick the easy way out.

Last night I was also supposed to to celebrate the fact that the exams are over.. Instead I had to cancel it, due to a horrible stomach ache and feeling nacious.
I didn't throw up... Instead, my sister did who felt fine all day. Hooray hooray...

I spent last night lying on the couch watching braveheart. I was all emotional from the pain anyway, so I sobbed along with the movie.
I have to say I quite liked the movie.. And some of the actors as well ;)

some lyrics

2005-04-11T16:27:00.000+02:00

The Rasmus - Swimming With The Kids Lyrics

I can't deny the fact that you know me better than I do,
it doesn't matter 'cos I know that you say that I'm a fool,
better than the best.
But if you only tell me that you love me, I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
A sunny day 'n' I'm feeling kinda guilty if I'm not going out,
if I'm not going anywhere.
Go ahead if you wanna play dead
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)

A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love,
A broken heart can be fixed with love.

Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come around.
Here I am, in control,
I know they won't let me down.
Slow down, feet off the ground,
Everybody can come along.
Here I am I'm swimming with,
here I am I'm swimming with the kids.

Back to the scene, go mad with the groove,
Yo if I miss it there's nothing you can do.
Own fault if you think too slow
'cos I don't give a damn.
(Swimming with the kids)
So if you really don't wanna leave the bed,
I'll take a step back and let you play dead.
I ain't sure what this song is about,
But I'm sure I don't give a damn.

Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line,
Pick it up, Mr Love is on the line.

__________
And I seriously don't give a damn. I feel so freaking fantastic. I wish i could explain. And I can, but I don't want to, and , and, and...

I don't give a damn. slow down, feet off the ground (...) here I am in control.

Wtf?

2005-04-09T18:45:00.000+02:00

We've got a new printer. Now I can finaly print colour images. I fucking adore it. I was never able to do that!

I couldn't help but printing this: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/eep.jpg. And it made me wonder:
why the hell aren't I at least 5 years older, do I not live in Finland, and do we not know each other??
My holy fuck...

sportsday

2005-04-09T01:14:00.000+02:00

after blowing a whistle yesterday (whistle bitch, I had to be a judge at the 3rd gardes football matches. "Judge, what's the score? Judge, we scored! Judge, didn't you see that? he did blablabla*" *= footballterms which I don't know.)it was our turn to sport. I chose badminton. Was there from.. I dunno, 9.30 till 15.00 and I played 3 fucing times. Indoor sportsday is such a freaking waste of time.

Thankfully I hang out with weird people. one came up with the sadistic version of spin the bottle. Fun to watch, but that's it. Im not that keen on pain ;)
Other than that it was a good laugh. Hopefully this will be the last indoor sportsday ever :)

Exams start next week. I've already screwed up my tight study scedule, so that sucks.
It's 1.15 AM now, going to bed in a bit and just read my school books before going to sleep... Not very interesting, but I want to make these exams right... a lot depends on it..

Have some bad news too, for me personaly. I don't think you are all gonna sit and cry when I tell you Piiku (mouse) is ill again... I have got this strange feeling though, she won't survive this time... :( (will explain if Im right. dont fancy going into it right now).

Last few words of the night:
Not bad... not bad at all.

and goodnight!

Party-heee

2005-04-06T16:42:00.000+02:00

"We might as well through a real party!"
"yeah, invite all your friends!"

Oh wait a minute, I forgot I don't have any friends!

For a schoolproject we have to shoot a little film. All was set in 5 minutes. It;s supposed to be a group of 8, but a friend of mine & I had the same ideas, and we had it all sorted out in 5 minutes. But there was this girl sitting next to us, lonely... So it would have been harsh to leave her out. However, she looked kind of shocked when she the ideas we had for the movie. Wait till we shoot it hun!

Im looking forward to it. My friend has got some idiotic friends. One would perfectly suit the main character, and he agreed to play (didn't he..? Cant remember actually).
It includes a party scene, so we might as well have an actual party.

Invite all your friends, she said. And then there's no none (well... one certain person ;)) I can think of to invite. I know the people she knows from school (same school, same class, same kind of people. duh), so there's not many people to invite for me, other then them. I might look pathetic, I know. But I don't care.
I do have a few friends, but they all live too far away to invite (T,MN,L,R!) and there's the people from school who I hang out with and they are probably coming (after we've sorted it all out we can invite them. cos we just came up with this idea randomly today). Anywaaaay, sounds like a pretty fine idea to me. Maybe there will even be some slashy actions. You just never know, do you? :p

Anyway, more about that little movie of ours when it's shot. For now it's a pwetty secwet! :D

And I am officially in love since Sunday. With the Horrorpops
thnx to Rob ;)

And you know, I feel fine! After everything and everyone.. I guess it was the Horrorpops CD (that has been playing non stop since sunday) that distract me from thinking... :)

And remember my dream: I was going to defeat my enemie? Came true... I won playing chess last Sunday *grins* (and I quote his words: let's play chess again, so I can defeat you like I did last time. I don't think so mister :P)

now my Livejournal wannabe thingy:
music: The Rasmus - In the shadows acoustic. (listening still to be burned "Sad CD"
mood: Good, slightly hyperactive, and some more

still alive.

2005-03-31T17:22:00.000+02:00

I'm still alive and Im ok, incase some random person may have been wondering.

He is still cute and he always will be. I guess he is some certain person in my life, or something. I dunno. he is him, and that says it all for me.

Been a busy week with school. I think they put a lot of presure on us.
My grades completely suck, but I am working on it. I have been, the entire year actually. Go me... But I don't want to double this year. I just don't. It's not bad or something, I just want to stick with the people I am with now.

At the moment I feel so peaceful. There suddenly came this rush over me saying: it's going to be Ok.
But how do I know? I am going to prepare my presentation for tomorrow in a bit. I should have started hours ago. So how can I feel like everything is going to be Ok? And how do I know what is going to happen tomorrow? And how do I know what will happen in the future? How can my feeling tell me it's going to be Ok?

a dream I recently had, meant I was going to defeat my enemies. Might this be a sign?

Maybe I should blame HIM's One Last Time. Listening to it right now. Quiet, beautiful song. It's going to be on my "Sad CD", along with Aqualung. Makes me go silent..

The week is nearly over and I can't wait (for the weekend). Saturday I am picking up my new pet (the last one for me, I promise!) and Sunday there's a friend coming over. Just a bit of a social life. I could really do with one... lmao!

Beautiful sadness

2005-03-23T19:30:00.000+01:00

Im sitting here, listening to Beautiful & Strange and Tongue tied Aqualung.

Oh-my-fucking-god is all I can say. Fantastic. Absolutely fasntastic.

I press the play button, as soon as the song starts I feel depressed. What a fantastic impact.
Beautifully depressed.

I can cry. I can cry cos I feel sad, and I can cry out of happiness for a friend who just seemed to have had the best day ever.

I feel happily depressed, I feel sadness depressed. I feel everything. I wish I could share it.

2005-03-22T13:40:00.000+01:00

"By now you should've somehow realised what you're not to do"
"You left my heart an open wound, and I love you for this day"
"And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down, And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down, I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood, I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever"

It's not fair that you are you, it's not fair that you are so attractive, it's not fair that we get along so well, it's not fair that we felt/feel the same, it's not fair that you have a girlfriend, it's not fair that she calls you when you are with me. it's just not fucking fair.

Tongue tied - Aqualung (thnx somnus)
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
Lying
Beside you
Longing
To touch you

But this feels like the end

So tired
We are
Drifting
Too far
Eyes closed
Tightly
Thinking
There might be
Some way

But this feels like the end

What went wrong
I need to know
I can feel
You're letting go
Though there is
So much to say
I'm tongue tied

Tongue tied
Waiting
I'm tongue tied
Waiting
Hoping
And praying
So near
Yet so far
Alone
Together

Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Still this feels like the end
Feels like the end

2005-03-17T19:58:00.000+01:00

Wow.. Im loving the weather these days. Wonderful sun. It does great things with my mood, things that can be ended in less then 30 seconds, so I've noticed.

Was in Rotterdam today. It's the day of literature. aha.
Anyway, heard some poetry, fiction, (stupid) interviews, etc. Also saw 2 band perform. One was boring, the other was funny. Good rock, but in Dutch which i dislike.
Was a very cute guy. Bam Margera look a like. nice :)

Haven't got much to say, but I thought I should update again. so there.

2005-03-09T15:50:00.000+01:00

"hi."
"Hi. Can I have a ..."
"Yeah..."
.........
"75 cents"

:thud:

(new) Life

2005-03-07T16:58:00.000+01:00

I was about to post pictures of a hottie and make some remarks on it, instead this entry will be a little bit different.

My mom just called me from downstairs.
A woman that used to work with my dad has got a son. This son has got a website and a heartdisorder.

My mom told me to go to that website and read the weblog, but kept saying not to be shocked or freak out.

The guy wrote his last entry. No one had any idea, but he decided to stop his medication which means he will probably die in a few days.
No one knows where he is, they only know he has been in the hospital earlier, but no one can reach him. Friends & family are in big uncertainty.
I feel sorry for them.

But I am not shocked, not freaked out.
I don't know the guy, but I feel a bit sad. But one feeling is far stronger: peace.
I feel so peaceful for him taking his own decissions. Controlling his own life.
He said that this is what he wants and he has never felt so good before, aside from the heartproblems he is experiencing.

I want to reply in his blog, telling him he made me feel peaceful, that I am impressed... But I can't, because his family and friends read it as well.

You probably think I am a freak. But I can't explain, it's an overwhelming feeling. Sadness and peace.

2005-03-03T13:59:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was the worst dayof 2005 so far. Fucking crap day.

So, I'm 17 now. New year, new things.
One for now: I've decided to quit the hormonal obsessive teenie behaviour, when it comes to cute guys.
I hate myself for blabbing so much on guys I like, but who I'll never get to be with.
So I'm gonna cut the 'bla bla bla he did this, he did that' crap and only write when I actually have something usefull to tell. A chat, a date, a kiss .... But that's it.
So last entry on the cute guy: he was playing in the snow -- awwww!!

I once said I wasn't gonna change for anybody. You should take me as I am. You can only change when things start bothering yourself. and they do now.
It's not like I'm suddenly gonna be a whole new person, but I regret things I've said and done in the (recent) past. It's never too late to learn or change, and seeing as this is the 1st day of my "new" life, today would be a good start.

Dead party

2005-03-02T19:36:00.000+01:00

Im not really in a happy mood, I never really am anymore, when it's my birthday. Home is a fake party, and whenever there are people it's not my party anymore, but others.

At school everyone basically forgot my birthday, and I was so freakin pissed off. I kept thinking like ROT IN FUCKING HELL!
But then my friend suddenly noticed and she was like 'omg, your birthday'. And she just sent me a fantastic card with kissing men. YUMMY LIKE HELL!

Then at the break I was sitting with some friends, and some others I don't really know. Very cute guy (my pray ;)) joined and now Im gonna kill myself, cos it was the best opportunity ever to start a convo, but I didn't..... *smacks herself*

The best prezzie came with the mail today: An enlarged photo of Pauli. taz took it 30/11 at the gig. Pauli is looking straight into the camera and is smiling... Im so gonna frame it
Tazzie: THANK YOUUUU!

There were a lot of b'day greetings on the net as well...
Im out of my 'rot in hell' mood now. but Im not really happy either... who gives a crap.

random

2005-02-28T16:07:00.000+01:00

I was at the petshop last Saturday to buy food for the mice, when I noticed they had new mice. After inspecting them, I didn't really see one of which I though 'oooh me want, me want'. Thankfully, cos seriously.. I shouldn't be buying another one. But all of the sudden, from the middle of nowhere this gorgeous satin brown/white little mice shows up.. Oh well, meet Ozzy:

Piiku, Rasmus and Kaja get along fine with her, although she's very shy. All she does is hide in the sleeping house. I hope that'll get better with time, but if not.. Well, at least she gets along with the others.

Secondly: this friend's band had a performance last night. cute guys everywhere.
Lets hope this will be my "magical" year. 17 should be good :P (2 days. should I start counting down as a hyper active teenie? Cos I don't feel like my birthday is coming up..)

OOH! and remember TCG? found out today he has a girlfriend. Bummer, but who gives a crap? (his girlfriend probably). Whether he has a girlfriend or not, he still looks cute.

Last but not least: MCR (my chemical romance, ok? not another boy.) - OH MY GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! me love.

title-less

2005-02-25T17:02:00.000+01:00

Ok... hormones have clamed down. so have I. Sorry for that outburst..

I feel completely stupid being so upset over someone whose name I only know. But a friend told me to ask him out, I mean.. That is why people ask each other out right? To get to know each other.. So yeah. Although asking him out is a bit too much of it. I might give him a little hint, if I ever have the guts... And then the ball is in his court.
And well, I said I needed changes in my life. This could be one for starters.

Oh, another thing: Found out about a new band. I alreayd knew them by name, My Chemical Romance, but I hadn't heard them until a few days ago. And they're like freakin'awesome!!! I should really check if they have any CDs by them around here. And their tourdates. but nope, nothing in the Netherlands. And I'm not gonna travel for them. Not yet. they'll have to proove how good they are first :P then I'll start spending money, heh.
(hooray, with my most fantastic job I can buy anything in the whole wide world. 12 fucking euro's per month. Jealous yet?)

You know, the other day I had this intellegent thought about time. But I really forgot it all. I think about that in bed and when I wake up I forgot just about everything... Intellegent blondie (although I dyed my hair black)...

yeah, I'll shut up.

Stupidity

2005-02-20T18:34:00.000+01:00

Another dead letter...

I freakin' want you! I keep thinking about you, and I know I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Just because I "need" a boyfriend. Or am I fooling myself?

I dunno what I am feeling. I am constantly thinking of you.
Is it because;
A) I need new people in my life, preferably a cute guy who will fall in love with me and we'll live happily ever after?
or B) I really like you?

You are cute, you simply have the most brilliant smile, have beautiful eyes.. And what else? Cos I don't even know you. But here I am sitting, reading about someone having a boyfriend and I immediatly think of you and my heart skips a beat. Fuck.

Am I just blowing this out of proportion, like I've done many times before, or are my feelings sincere? And how the fuck can I find out when I don't even know you, and too shy to even try to get to know you?

It's not fair.

Movies

2005-02-16T19:56:00.000+01:00

I know the following movies don't make any sense, but I had to check out the video function on my Digital Camera.

1my fave :)
2
3
4
5

And can anyone please calm down my hormones? they're all over the place...

rant on

2005-02-12T19:45:00.000+01:00

Fuck everything.

I cried my eyes out last night, in bed. Did some stupid realisation. I so often wonder to myself: What did I do to deserve all this? When in reality, that's just a stupid attempt to blame someone or something else for my own actions.
There's nothing bigger out there (screw my previous entry) that decided "Hey, lets fuck up someone's life" and it happens to be mine.

It's just me, myself and I, and no one or nothing else that is screwing up everything.
And I hate myself so much for it right now.

I just manage to fuck up everything, don't I? Right in front of my own eyes.
The past few days have been completely worthless. All I did was sit here and thinking I had everything under control. Just for once. Just for once.
But I didn't and I still don't.

And even now I still waste away my time, meanwhile it's so precious and I should be using it carefully.

I'm lazy. I'm stupid. And I feel so angry on the inside.
I hate myself for being me.

Changes

2005-02-10T15:47:00.000+01:00

I need some changes in my life. I need them badly.
Inside it's aching and I'm going slightly crazy! I need new people, I need new hobbies...

There is going to be one big positive change in the near future. I can't tell, but it's such a relive this is finaly happening. Time to breath again.

I might be buying a new pet as well. I can't help myself, but it's so adorable. I't's this little russian hamster, the cool thing is: it's an orange one! They're called 'mandarijn rusjes', though this one is pearl (white) with an orange stripe down the down. But it's really beautiful. I'm just not to sure yet. I've already got Choopa & the mice. I'm note sure if it would be a good idea... But I just can't help myself.
Besides that, the hamster is in The Hague. I asked the owner if she could possibly go to Rotterdam or Scheveningen and this stupid bitch butt in: I don't want to interfere, but why are you letting her travel when you want the pet?
Well you are interfering so shut the fuck up and let me and the owner take care of it! Gah.

I need a new hobby too. I want something "supernatural", like tarot cards maybe. Something 'bigger'. I don't believe in God or whatsoever, but I've became more interested in something bigger. Don't ask me what... But like, I believe in my dreams. Dreams come from the inner you. I should get more in touch with myself maybe.
I never thought I'd believe that kind of crap. I always relied more on rational thoughts, but I think I should trust my instinct and feelings more.

I've been downloading some stuff of HIM recently and I quite like them. So that's at least something new ;)

oh well....

A whole lot of crap! Good crap

2005-02-07T13:58:00.000+01:00

I should really start to update when I've actually got something to tell. Last night when I was trying to sleep I had so much to tell and I've probably forgot half of it already, but lets try and see if this entry made any sense.

First of all: I bought a digital camera the other day. I adore it. Now I have the ability to capture every single stupid, beautiful, emotional, exciting moment. And if I don't like the way I captured it, I delete and try again. It's great to share something personal with people on the other side of the world.

I love my camera. Now bring on those damn gigs!

Might as well tell that part: there won't be any gigs for a long time *cryyyyy*. The Rasmus came back from Japan and will more then likely not tour until the new album. Sob.

HOAT is a cool album. It's a great album to get in a feel good mood. check out http://www.the-rasmus1.tk for snippets en the forum for a detailed review, by me.
I actually really enjoyed writing that review. Perfect mixture: music & writing. One of my very few interests. But I can't really make a living out of that, right?

I don't know what I want for the future. This is what I have in mind: graduate in 2006 (though I already doubt that part), go to scandinavia and tour. After that to the UK and work in a youthhostel. Doesn't make any sense, but I feel so attrackted to that idea. Some day I'll come back and study, but I don't want to study. Not right now and not in the future.

There's this band called Killer and I think this is a funny story. The band (which I don't like), put on there website that they took a break, a looooong break. They didn't say they split up, because they might come bck in the future and if they'd split up, that'd mean they'd make a come back and come back's are for loosers. One of those bandmembers is now in a boatingschool, learning to built them and the other 3 members continue in the music bizz.
Funny story for some reason. Their website is killertheband.com
Don't like em, only know them because of The Rasmus. Killer is a part of Dynasty too. Dynasty is a group of about 30 musicians from Finland. About 10 of them have 'dynasty' tattooed on the body... Interesting huh?

Oh yeah, I have a (temporarily??) adoptive fish. My sis had about 7 fish or something, and the all suddenly died [ Japie :( ] except for one, but she wasn't taking care of it anymore. When I told a friend about the symptones the fish had, she told me she had the same thing and gave me some medicine for him. Still, my sis didn't gave it to him. So now I have the fish. I'm not sure if I want to keep him though. He's very friendly and you can have great convo's with him (no, really!).. but you know.. Maybe the fish needs a friend?

I'm pretty positive there was more I wanted to say.. but yeah, I forgot. You know what? I'll post you some pix! :D (wooo, go camera!!!)

forgot to smile + Very Gangsta!!
Piiku +Rasmus + Kaja
Choopa: 01 + 02 + 03
Gary (my adoptive fish.)
My room: 01 + 02 + 03 + 04
Never mind all the pretty colours in my room. I didn't do it. My family decorated my room when I was on an exchange programme in Rome, Italy.

recovery

2005-02-06T16:40:00.000+01:00

I think I'm recovering from my depressed mood.
I just feel lazy nd like I should do something, and meet new people... But I don't feel really depressed anymore.

I think I should also thank a friend for that, cos I can have great chats with her. About anything, and also about things I thought I'd never discuss. Maybe that was what was bothering me?

I remember my 2nd depressed mood. I was so angry at a friend. All she was thinking of was herself and her stupid boyfriend. I hardly ever talk with her anymore. She's all about her faith. Glad that yo are muslim and that you like it but leave me fucking out of it!
I rarely talk to her nowadays, but to be honest ... I don't care. I might even be better of without her.

It's good to have someone that still does talk with you, even when you are not feeling good. That I don't have to ask for someone to talk to me.

So, thank you true friends

in the middle

2005-02-03T16:46:00.000+01:00

Gosh, I'm gonna sound so desperate now, I'm sorry! And I honestly never thought I'd say this.. but I need a boyfriend!

I just need some loving! .. And I feel so depressed lately. Completely worthless, and I just want to feel that I matter to at least someone..
Nothing really cheers me up right now. Not for a long time anyway, just for one moment.

The other day I was so worried that I had another depressed mood coming up, and I just realised that I'm already in the middle of it :( ...
I have all these ups and downs, but in general I just feel sad, tired and depressed. and this stupid cold isn't making it any better. I feel kinda feverish.

I'm such a stupid, emotional idiot... Before I was watching this TV show I always watch. for years already (and no not GTST!!!!! Im not that stupid), and I just cried my eyes out because someone was leaving. All those emotional goodbyes.. and I sat there sobbing on the couch, thinking: 'look at me.. what an idiot am i!'

I just want to feel happy again... I want to feel that people care for me. I'm sure some people do, but I just can't feel it right now...

I want to feel OK again ....

entry without an end

2005-02-02T15:55:00.000+01:00

Oi, puberty! all these emotions and feelings...

MONDAY:

I could hardly control my hormones (cute guy here, cutie there! another one!). Blegh. Like 3 cute guys in one day.

1. TCG (lovely as always)
2. Cute dude, unnamed (found out he's like a 3rd grader or something. So that's a big NO GO! but he looks so much older.)
3. guy who I always used to find "dirty" (has been named by me, but won't tell), but turns out to have such an amazing smile! that was one hell of a WOW moment!! (he can buy anything he wants in the cafeteria, any time he wants, but preferably on monday, please! :P with that smile please!!)

First day of work in the school cafeteria. Wasn't even that bad. I have a hard time with the 'broodjes brie' (french cheese, right??), and calculating all the money... but practise makes perfect.
First day my cold started properly... misery !!

TUESDAY: cold got worse.. depressed day.

WEDNESDAY:

2nd day of work. but found out I'm not working on wednesday anymore. Damn it! I want the money!!!
Came home to find HellOfATester & Funeral Song waiting for me!! HOAT is so funky, I love it!! Haven't listened to FS yet, but I basically know the songs on it, so that'll come later today.

blogspot is now giving me a hard time (won't do what I want), so I was goinmg to write a nice and beautiful end to this entry.. but since blogspot won't allow me to... I won't.

whatever I say

2005-01-28T22:42:00.000+01:00

you know what driving me fucking crazy???
MSN is newly installed on the new computer, but it's not working.
And right, I build websites and forums, I know a little more then the average idiot in this house when it comes to computers, BUT I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING]!!!
I just re-installed MSN 6.2 and mom and dad stand beside me like it is some stupid family event.
But each time I try I get this idiotic error (0x100036f) and I've tried a 100 things, but it's still not working!
I fucking don't know everything but everybody (mom, dad, sis) keeps on asking 'is it working yet? why not? it should work, shouldn't it? What do you think the problem is?'
go figure out yourseleves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's driving me nuts!

The better part of this post is about the music performance last night: I SOOOOOO ENJOYED MYSELF!!! It was really awesome. Geerte, Janneke, Joyce & I did More than words (Extreme) and we just did it. Climbed on stage, get the mic and sing. No bullshit. Just sing. I wasn't even really nervous. A bit shaky. but that's all!!!! Someone will send me some photos of that day. When I've received them, I'll show them.

It was freakin awesome, and I could get used to this!!!
I actually can't wait until the next performance. If I have the guts I'd like to do a number on my own (atm Life burns, cos it simply rocks!!!!).. I don't think I'll have the guts though. But maybe I should set that as a goal.

I'm still busy downloading. Kazaa is driving me nuts at some point, it simply doesn't download several songs. madness... Downloading Tom Green's bum bum song atm. Listen everyone! It rocks!!! :grin: anyway, soon enough I'll burn my first CD. and no, you won't get a copy.

this and that

2005-01-26T19:37:00.000+01:00

This just hasn't been my week. Thinking back on it, I feel depressed, and thinking of the fact that this week is not over yet, makes me depressed as well.

For starters it has been snowing + freezing = me falling. I fell, coulnd't ride my bicycle anymore (something "broke" when I fell, it's fixed now), so I was late at school.
The next day I was so careful that I actually drove another way to school, just to make sure I wouldn't fall again. Meaning I was late again.
I got away with both times though. Didn't get punished or anything.

But today just hasn't been a good day. I feel so moody and depressed the whole time (felt like this when Choopa ate my clthing. should keep an eye on him).
I hope tomorrow will be better. Mainly because I have my first performance tomorrow.
Im kinda looking forward. I'll be nervous as hell, but you know... It'll be a good practise for me!

oiii and guess what? Im downloading my first CD just right now! Well not mine, but my own tracklist, if you get what I mean. Let's burn those CDs!!! :grin:

Sold

2005-01-23T20:35:00.000+01:00

"I'm gone, can't stand another day...."

We were in Belgium today. We have this little wooden house over there. We've had for about 25 years or something, and today it got sold.

I've been coming there all my life and most of the years I've really enjoyed it. Recently I felt kinda out of place there, I don't really like the people and I've seen everything around there a 1000 times already. I'm up for something new, you know. I want to see more of Europe and discover the cultures of other countries.

So anyway, today it got sold. I'll fucking miss that place! Can you blame me? It's a part of my life. However, this does give me the chance to get away from there and discover other parts of the world.

So, bye bye 'Diastole'

TCG

2005-01-21T22:31:00.000+01:00

yep, still thinking about TCG. *swoooon*
this is one way to spend your friday evening

Heavenly Hell

2005-01-21T17:19:00.000+01:00

Just when you thought life couldn't get any worse.....

Yesterday when I woke up, I had this verrryyyy bad feeling. I just wanted to go rtight back to sleep, cos my feelings predicted nothing but horror.

The day went pretty fine though. However, later that evening I suddenly felt really low and emotional, I oculd just cry! When I went back to my room a little laer, I saw something [i]horrible[/i].... CHOOPA RUINED MY TROUSERS!
I screamed like "noooo , choopa! what have you done??!!" then my mom got pissed at me, saying it wasn't his fault (for fuck sake, it is! he shouldn't eat my clothing, right???????) and then she told me that it was only costing them money. Why? I mean, I never even bought a new vest after Choopa took a whole piece of the sleeve! And isn't it just God damn normal to buy clothing????

But I just broke out in tears and cried my eyes out. It was a good crying session though, but if someone easily touched would have been watching, that person would have cried as well. I looked so heartbreaking, even if I say myself.

So after I freshed up in the shower I went to bed, to wake up the next morning with my eyes all swellen. (if I cry just before I go to sleep, this is what happens.. and it doesn't look pretty).
So I just held an ice package against my eyes. Worked a little bit. But my eyes are OK now.

And when I got to school it was even worse, it was heavinly hell! The Cute Guy (TCG) was wearing a long black coat: HOW FREAKIN' HOT IS THAT??
Damn it, TCG! why did you have to do that?? It made me drool! and you know I can never be with you.. don't make it harder then it already is...

So I just had my moments of complete unfairness... It sucks.
Besides that, my speakers still don't work.

And now I can't get TCG out of my head. Thank you mister.

Up for adoption: clothing/plastic bag eating hamster

2005-01-16T01:17:00.000+01:00

I am so extremely pissed of right now... Choopa (hamster) actually just ruined one of my fave clothing pieces!

I know he eats plastic bags when I leave them on the floor, so I carefully removed any eatable object for him off the floor... This vest was on my chair, but fuck, how was I suppose to know he could reach out for the sleeve and take a whole piece of it??
He just ruined it and I can't wear it anymore. I love this vest, been to many gigs with it, whenever I was cold I put it on.. and now it's ruined.
I was thinking of throwing it in the laundybasket or wear it this morning, but decided to do wear something else and put it with the laundry later in the night with my other clothing.,.. I wish I did, cos then I'd still have my precious vest.

So, In sweet memory of my vest.. This vest -->

songs and other crap.

2005-01-13T14:08:00.000+01:00

Blegh... listening to Funeral Song (The Rasmus) Live at Rock am Ring... gets me emotional..

Anyway, I'm really pissed of! My exam results are so God damn bad! Even worse then I expected (and I didn't think I'd have good resulsts anyway, so imagine what they are like..). It feels pretty crappy to realise that I'll more then likely won't even pass this year ( Funeral Song isn't making it any better.. Oi, thank God - it's In My Life now. Look up the lyrics once and listen to this song, makes me feel powerful at times)..

I honestly do try at school, and it's not as if I don't get the subjects and stuff.... The teachers are just too detailed, they never take enough with a little less. And I know they shouldn't, but fuck! Think about your students for once and not just your own bloody 'oh-look-at-me-and-how-good-I-am' attitude!!

Gah..... I don't know what to do right now. I feel so bloody useless that I'd rather quit school and move to another country, to live there anonymously...

It's Bullet I'm listening to now.. If there's one song in the world I could never e-v-e-r live without... it's Bullet. for sure. I love this song, I adore this song, I'd die without it! Sounds obsessed, but I guess I am when it comes to this song. One that reads the lyrics and knows me really well; you'll "read" why & understand.

Enough useless blabbing..... Till the next time, when I anounce I'm quiting school, moving abroad and will continue to live anonymously (j/k.. unfortunately)...

good mo(u)rning

2005-01-10T01:40:00.000+01:00

It's 1.41 AM in the morning and I am officially celebrating/mourning over my last day of nothingness... I have to go back to friggen school tomorrow

slash is always good... even this late/early.

I can't think of a title for this entry

2005-01-08T20:08:00.000+01:00

3 mice eat a lot. Or so I have noticed.
Yep, I bought 2 new mice. And yes, they were named Aki & Pauli for a few hours, till I decided to re-name them: Rasmus & Kaja. They're adorable :)
It took a while for Piiku to get used to them, but they have been very friendly towards each other today. Yay! lets hope Piiku will start feeling better (I've got this funny feeling she will).

I went shopping today.. I hate shopping. There's hardly anything around which I really like, and I easily feel like giving up on shopping... It's so boring!

I also just updated my website (the-rasmus1.tk) a bit.. it needs some serious updating though! But I will add a few extras (wallpapers, audio samples, new pix).. and lets see what will happen next. Right now I am #29 in the The Rasmus Top 150 (of websites) & so far I've had a little more then 600 visitors (in the month of January that is). I copied the stats, but I haven't uploaded them yet.. I feel proud though. I never managed to do this before with a website.

Anymore randomness...? I don't think so. Just gonna browse around the net a bit.

silent death

2005-01-05T16:45:00.000+01:00

silent death is actually one of the songs I ever wrote... the lyrics aren't really too good, but I like the title. Might suit this blog entry as well.

I think Piiku's gonna die. I've been up with her last night, cos she was sleeping in my hands. Stayed up until 2.00 AM with her or so. Then I went to bed at 3.15 AM. I wasn't even the last person awake.
When I checked on Piiku a few hours ago, she just sat there in her cage, doing nothing. I picked her up and she fell asleep in my hands (again). I was tired of being upstairs with her, so I went downstairs. I have never ever been able to do that with her. She used to climb on my hands, but would freak out if I even lifted her up the tiniest bit. Now I walked around the house with her.
She suddenly woke up, and it was really weird. Her eyes got really big, her ears went flat and she suddenly jumped of my hands, like really far. I nearly lost her. I put her back in her cage (after she peed on my hands again) and she jus sat there, doing nothing but sitting. She hardly even moved.
Weird little creature. So I won't be buying new friends for her. Maybe 2 mice when she's dead. If my parents will allow me.

Blegh, I'm bored. I have a few things to do:
- still need to finish & re-write slash stories (I can do that)
- Making wallpapers for my website (I can't do that)
- Figure out these freakin' I Frames so I can get my website (pauli-therasmus.tk) back online...

But I'm all so crappy at it, and I just don't feel like doing it.
I feel so... so... I dunno, maybe a bit like Piiku: just nothingness. that might be a silent death of my creativity at this moment.
I hate writers/creativity blocks. Makes me feel so depressed. Lets get it over with and let me go back to writing & creating, whatever is stopping me.

march

2005-01-04T19:22:00.000+01:00

quiz: what does your birthmonth reveal about you?
quiz it: http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=1988

me:
March
Attractive personality.sexy. Affectionate.Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented.Loves special things. Moody.

That's so me, isn't it? (except for a few things.. like to serve others?? loves home decors??). I don't think I could ever describe myself in a better way.

I'm confusing. I want attention and love, yet when I receive it, I tend to turn my back on it (and I know who to blame, but sshhhh). Easily angered: so true.
And what's generous to you? I mean I never really buy people anything and then I get told I'm selfish. But once you are my friend and I love you, then I am generous by allowing you into my world. Then I care for you. isn't that generous as well? Besides that, I don't make friends easy at all, so when I call you my friend... You could either call yourself lucky for having this honour, or not lucky because you'll get to know me. I can assure you, that once you get to know me, you won't only "get" me, but also a whole lot of crap...

wow... post with a deeper meaning.

Pauli & Aki

2005-01-04T19:09:00.000+01:00

Poor Piiku, one of the reasons why she may be so calm and doing nothing but sleep and eat, is because she might be lonely :(
So, I decided to buy 2 more mice (Pauli & Aki) and put them in the same cage as Piiku. Lets hope she'll cheer up a bit.
I'll probably buy them next week or so...

I'm bored. anyone know any good websites?...

29-01

2005-01-03T20:31:00.000+01:00

Well well, I'm back.

First of all: happy newyear everyone. Let's make 2005 a good one. There are a few things I defenitely want to do this year. One for sure- but Im not telling :)

Been with my friend the past few days.
Arrived there on the 29th after a train trip of nearly 2 hours. I like traveling, but it felt like something was missing. (Obv. : a gig!)
I made up a list of things to steal when I left that place (Indy, poster, pauli gig photo). I forgot though ;)
I had to spent the night in the attic, which was pretty spooky. It was all dusty and fucking freezing! I wondered immediatly if there were any Jewish people who stayed there during the 2nd World War. there actually were, not quite in that part where I slept, but still... Quite an experience.
The 2nd night there was a spider, so I had a baaaaaad night!

Taz also bought a karaoke DVD player. We did some songs, but Im just too shy. You just couldn't hear me... Damn I need to practise this crap!

When I was in Ede one of my pets also escaped (nice. mom is never taking care of them again) and my Green Lizard CD & late Xmas card arrived.
So much going on and I wasn't there. But I had a big show when I arrived back home: got into a fight straight away and got accused for the most idiotic things you can imagine. That made 31 Decemeber a new yearseve to never forget...

The 1st song I heard in 2005 was In The Shadows by The Rasmus, just like on januray 01 2004. Lets make a habbit of this ;)
reminds me: my friend told me today that one of the CDs is delayed in being shipped, the other CDs will be shipped today. ME WANTS CDSSSSS damn it!!!

However, I woke up this morning reading a fantastic slash story.... so romantic, I sat there reading with a massive grin on my face. That's one way to start the day.

Anyway, this is probably the most boring post I've ever written, so I'll shut up. there.

hey pauri ystavaan

2004-12-28T14:29:00.000+01:00

weeee! a friend of mine just emailed me, she found the hidden extra on the the Rasmus DVD. it rocks! Hopefully there's more!

Yesterday I was at the pet shop and I was looking at the mice (Piiku is still alive, she might even be doing a bit better!!) and there was this little mouse, white and light brown. so fucking gorgeous!! it looked at me, and I was like: 'AKI!', then this brown mouse joined and I was once again: 'PAULI!'
Aki & pauli will be the names of my new mice (or hakala & rantasalmi. what do you think?), unfortunately, I can't buy these. First of all, because I am leaving to Ede tomorrow. (I have to be around when they get here, so they can get used to their new cage and me), and secondly I still have to fix the cage I have. There's a hole in it, big enough for a mouse to fit through. Not just one actually, probably two at the same time. So, I suppose the new mice will arrive in January. Not to mention that my dad still isn't ok with it, but I don't care. he didn't like it either when I bought Piiku, but who cares. He's got nothing to do with her. He hardly ever looks at her.

My sister also bought some new toys for the pets, so I suppose Choopa & the new mice will be happy. (I'm saving one of the new toys for the new mice, because piiku probably won't be albe to play with it. besides that, her cage is pretty full already).

and well, what more is there?
I'm not up to a lot of things these days, it's just been pretty busy with piiku being ill, and christmas and stuff. January will be a bit calmer I suppose.
But I am gonna celebrate my one year slash-anniversary lol! It's gooood. it's good to be slash obsessed. makes life better. ;)

Im off now. need to print out the train trip to Ede (almost 2 fucking hours by train <_<)>

we wish you a fucking Christmas

2004-12-26T16:47:00.000+01:00

GOD! I hate christmas so much! this year sucks so much!

I've been crying for two days already. I feel depressed and angry and I hate to see Piiku like this. she's getting worse (and this is gonna sound harsh) and she won't die. I honestly hoped for her sake that she'd die over the night, but she didn't. She can;t even walk straight anymore and when she's eating she doesn't use her paws anymore.
I feel so horrible looking at her that I want to release her from pain (if she's feeeling any) or at least make her life worth, cos the way she is living now isn't even a life.
When I said that I couldn't look at this anymore and wanted to go to the vet on Monday to let him put her down, my sister said I was being selfish. That I was going to let her put down just because I didn't like the look of it. But that's not even what I said! How can I just stand there looking at her slowly dying and doing worse each day. Isn't that selfish?
Then she told me to stop feeding her. But I am not gonna kill her. It's normal to put your pet down when it's ill, doesn't get better anymore and doesn't/can't have a live that's wort it. Then you owe to your pet to put it down, but I will not stop feeding her or give her stuff that she will die of (I still have Leo's antibiotics, they (=family) said to me that I had to give her an overdose. then she would die. In the end I would only screw up her kidneys and make it even worse. But even if she did die, I'd still go the vet. I am not gonna kill her.)
Let's just hope she passes away over the night. I hate to put pets down. I'd rather have to die in her sleep...

Had the gourmet last night. I think I broke a personal record, but not a good one: I was stuffed so quickly! usualy I eat on for ages and take a break and continue again, but basically when I took my break I was finished. I was so stuffed! Weird.... let's tryagain next year.

One of my sisters also gave me some money yesterday (unexpected. that's the best) and I decided to buy a The Rasmus album that I've been wanted for a long time. It's not for sale in the Netherlands, but my friend (Taz = Rasmus obsessed) always orders them from cdon.com. I just phoned her and asked if she wants to order HellOfATester (it's hell of a tester, or hello fat ester -- whatever you want.), she will. And she asked if I wanted the Funeral Song CD single as well. Stupid as I was I thought I'd had to pay for extra costs (it gets shipped form abroad) again.. Of cousre I do not, and she shouldn't have said that! So Im getting HOAT & Funeral Song :) Let's make this a Rasmus Christmas (2 DVD's, a CD & CD single....).
I'm also putting some money on my account, cos I've heard that they are coming back for a gig early 2005. and if not, then it's for my trip to Scandinavia in 2006 *LOL*. (I've already spent it by then, I can assure you that! I should really get a job, if I ever wanna travel throuigh Scandinavia with that friend. I really want to do that! It's not something you do everyday!)

anyway.... Im off now. Gonna listen to some smaples of HOAT, get myself excited for the day the album arrives ;)
and thank God, Christmas is nearly over...

merry Christmas..

2004-12-25T13:07:00.000+01:00

Merry Christmas everyone....

I don't like Christmas. I only like it for the food and presents.
I got my presents last night. Pretty cool-ish. I knew about one already cos I had to go and buy it myself. It's the Live Letters DVD (DVD of The Rasmus). I finaly watched it last night, and I love it. It's really funny.

And tonight is the gourmet and then I basically had all my fun.

Besides that, there's another thing which makes this Christmas crap: Piiku (my dearest pet mouse) seems to be ill. I honestly have no idea what went wrong. She's been like this since last night and got worse this morning. she keeps falling asleep or just sit still and the weirdest places, her eyes are half closed, she just feels really weak, she's slow..... And besides that, she doesn't weigh enough. I dunno if she lost weigh, or never was weighing enough.. I just hope she will be OK.

In a few days I'm going to a friend of mine in Ede. 'Grow your toe and hand nails' she said. She needs to practise for her exam, so I'll get a bath for my hands and feet, a massage and my nails will be cut and will get a pretty colour. hooray! ;)
besides that it'll be a few very Rasmus days, as she's probably even more obsessed then me ;) She has the DVD as well, I got another The Ramus DVD of my uncle yesterday, I have a video tape.... we still have to catch up with each other's gig photos.... 'It's good, and very relaxing' (aki)
and we're going to a friend of her to do some karaoke! oh my God, what did I get myself into ;) *laughs* nah, it'll be good to see her again!

so yeah..... merry christmas and whatever

forum madness

2004-12-11T18:50:00.000+01:00

wow, some girl at my forum suddenly decided to leave the forum and never come back again.
I know she wasn't really into the rasmus (anymore), but that she just said like 'this is my last post, goodbye and good luck with whatever you may do in the future.'.. that's weird.
She was one of those girls who was always around. I'll miss her, but yeah... shit happens.

Anywaaay.. the good news is that I have a very relaxed weekend. not much to do.
But I want to have a good convo with my dad about switching subjects at school, but each time I start talking we're like finished in 2 minutes. He agrees with it though. It's up to me, but a little support and someone to think with me would be cool.. though I'm pretty sure about switching. Then it's up to school if I actually can.

It's a shame cos I love the Geo & History classes Im in now.. but hey, if I ever wanna graduate.

Ah well. let's shut up about homework. :)

anyway, I'm of. I'm of to write 'precious slash from Dez' :P

School: part 10274931

2004-12-10T19:27:00.000+01:00

Bla bla bla... school is really starting to piss me of.

I'm just sick of everything. I wqant to get away from everything, to a new place and start my own life. Away from everything. Just me and my life. (now one of my teachers is scared that I'll either fail this year or leave school without graduating....)

I might change subjects at school. I completely failed in french. my average right now is a 3 and I just dunno how I'll ever manage to get it back up.
Besides that, I've got some pretty other horrifying grades on my list.. It's just better if I drop French. Instead I will have philosophy.
The only bad side is that I will have to switch two other classes as well. Geography (which doesn't matter in the end cos I have the same teacher, just different hours) and I will have to change history as well, which I regret. The teacher we have right now is so cool! he actually makes it nice. He's so funny!! I will truly miss him as a teacher. If I swap I will get this other dude who's boring and gives unexpected tests. which is not good for me, cos I tend not to study when Im not asked to.

I'm just not too sure yet. If I do swap then I'll have an philosphy exam straight away on friday. I'll probably fail on that one, cos I completely missed out on all the classes. Though somehow I am looking forward to going back to philosophy.
As soon as this year started, I kinda regret choosing French.. And now I completely do. I'll never be able to make an exam in french!!

I'll just have to have a deep thought about it this weekend, and I have to phone the school on Monday, making an appointment with one of teachers and discussing it. I hope by then that I've pretty much made up my mind.

I think I already have.
The only problem is that every teacher has to agree and the problem that the classes might be full. If that is the case, I won't be allowed to change and I will be stuck to French like... forever!! *screams*..

;)

latest news

2004-12-06T16:27:00.000+01:00

w00t! Had the The Rasmus gig a few days ago (gah, nearly a week . time flies!) and it was AWESOME! during the gig me & my friend had so much contact with Pauli, the guitarist! He's so awesome! and one hell of a guitarist! After he had done his solo, me and friend bowed down for him. He was grinning like an idiot and stuck up his thumb.
I suppose we made his day, and he made ours. Defenitely mine! But he had all sorts of gestures and signs towards us during the gig. Just great!!
The last picture on my film makes it even better: looking straight into my camera & sticking up his hand towards us. HOORAY FOR PAULI, me hero heh!

My friend actually send me this really cool picture of the the last foreign gig. It was taken on Aug. 27 in London, the day before we went to Nottingham for the gig.
Ir's priceless this photo! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/Taz/Taz_Dezlondon1.jpg
pay special attention to the look on our faces. "dude! he has a sword!"

School is still stressy, but right now I feel quite relaxed.
Spent maths singing stupid songs & making stupid remarks with a friend...
This gig really lightened up my mood.

Oh yeah, reminds me - whilst queueing at the gig (for 11 f*cking hours...) my sister phoned me: she bought two little rabbits!
Unfortunately one of them got very ill this weekend and actually died today. I feel sorry for my sis..
I hate it when pets die, but I didn't really have a close bond with this one or anything. If he'd been around longeer or something I'd been rather upset.. But yeah..
I always hate it when one of my own pets die though; the emptiness when the cage is gone.. *not good*
And then I'm like, "this one was the last time". But not long after I already have a new pet. I just need them around me.

Which brings me to adorable Choopa. He's been living here for 2 weeks now (or is it 3???...?) And things are going quite well. I can actually cuddle a bit with him now and he sits on my lap & hands and everything.
I feel really proud, cos when he just came here it was impossible to these things with him.

And today it's my forum's One Year Anniversary, and I read somewhere that it's also The Rasmus' 10 year anniversary today. Coincedence or what?

So yeah... That's bassically the latest news for now.
Oh wait, no: my sister got me an (old) album of Good Charlotte (The Young & The Hopeless. title suits me I suppose) and I love it!! :D

*looks out of window and sees car of mom driving away... sis just phoned with pet shop I think. she's not getting a new one already, is she??????*

Whatever.

current mood: happy!
current song: Good Charlotte - the day that I die. Great song!!

cure me or kill me

2004-11-27T14:42:00.000+01:00

I honestly thought I'd feel better now that it's weekend. But the opposite is true.

I still don't have time to think about the upcoming gig in 3 days, which bothers me to hell. I haven;t even thought of things to take & how I will meet up with my friend. I don't have an exact plan in my mind... All I can think about is stupid school and all the work that still has to be done. Obviously it;s my own fault, for waiting to long to catch up with work.. But it's just ridiculous. It's honestly ruling my whole life at the moment.
I thought I was going to relax and think about the upcoming gig, get excited... But all I can think of right now is 'oh crap, i have to do this, and I have to do that'

I HATE SCHOOL
I wanna get out of there..

Listening to a sample of Hooverphonic's Eden right now. It is just breathtaking. When I first heard it, I was nearly crying (imagine: it was in the theater).
if you want to listen to it: go to hooverphonic.com & go to music. listen to the album of 'Sit down and listen to'
I want that album, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. And besides that, I'm not allowed to order from the internet. So I'm gonna have to think of a creative solution.

That's it for now... Gonna sob and do homework.

better/but not

2004-11-25T20:17:00.000+01:00

I feel better today (well, not exactly sure if better is the right word, but Ill explain in a bit); I'm not quite thinking about that guy anymore... It was just overwhelming to see him again, I suppose. But yeah, I just tried to set my mind of him and it worked pretty well.

As I said; not sure if better is the right word to explain my mood: I have been feeling grumpy, depressed and angry... Maybe it has something to do with the guy, but also the fact that I am more then fed up with school: I NEED A BREAK !
I've not really been working hard, i think... But still you know. It's been stressy & I'm just fed up with it, I want to get the hell away from there....

But tomorrow it's friday (last time I'll have to get up at 6.30 am HOORAAAAAY!!!) and then it's weekend... finaly sleep late :)

AND! it's 5 days until I'll "our guys" -The Rasmus- again. Because of the stressy period I didn't really get the chance to think about it.. But I will this weekend, I suppose.
Just a weekend of nothingness and I'll be playing their albums and suddenly scream: 'OH MY GOD! TUESDAY! THE RASMUS!'

so yeah... you'll hear from moi :)

Dead Letter...

2004-11-24T16:43:00.000+01:00

I wish it was your bed I woke up in this morning...

In a little while I'll probably be disgusted by this thought, as I thought I was already over & disgusted by you. But hell no..

You just never change, do you?
And if you don't change, it means you will stay that person I fell in love with before I even knew him. and it only got worse when I got to know you.
Never had I imagined there was someone so much like the the idealised picture of a guy I have in my mind
But you were like that. You ARE like that, despite your minors.

And I can't help it, each time I see you -even though it's not often anymore- I just get that feeling that Im in love with you again.. And fuck, I hate it! I don't want to be in love with you. You've got a girlfriend, you've got a few minors which I want nothing to do with... But there's something about you. And I suppose there will always be.

Maybe I should just stop seeing you. I mean - I hardly ever see you, but just try to avoid you maybe? ... But I don't want to. I want you near, feel butterflies and ... and so, so much more. More then you'll ever know I suppose...

Dez = Aki

2004-11-19T21:04:00.000+01:00

woaaa, had my first drumminglesson today. and wow!! I'm a talent! (OK, I might be lying a little bit, but...) It went so well, even the "teacher" (just a friend who can play amazingly well!) said to me that I did well and there is a drummer "inside of me" (of course there were a few dirty remarks here and there, during the lesson - but don't take what I just said the wrong way ;))

I felt like Aki -LMAO, not really- : the drummer of TR, and one of my most favourite people :) There are a lot of people who each inspire me in a tiny little way. Aki is just a fantastic person. never met im personaly yet (I will!), but what I've seen from the past 5 gigs & read about & from him... Ah he's wonderful :) He's defenitely the kind of guy I could fall in love with (so where is he then??).

But today was a pretty good day. A lot of things turne out pretty well for me, so... moi is happy!!

Bla bla bla

2004-11-12T15:52:00.000+01:00

Went to see Hooverphonic on Nov. 10. It was soooo brilliant. I only knew 2 songs, but.. I'm loving them!
Download idea: Hooverphonic- Eden (from the album Sit down and listen to).. it was so beautiful i was nearly crying! now I have this song stuck in my head ever since ;)

There was something else I wanted to write about, but since my sister can't shut up for more then 10 seconds I already forgot what I wanted to tell.
Nice & thank you. If I ever come up with it, you'll hear from me.

*EDIT*
now I remember ;)
the woman who said she'd help me out with picking up Choopa... well she never replied anymore. And I mean, I'm fine with the fact that you don't want to / can't help me out after all. but woman! just tell me. it's not like I'll bite your head off.
so... now I'm back to where I was.... Maybe I shouldn't / won't get Choopa after all...? ='(

slut???

2004-11-10T16:53:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I noticed something nice on my locker. someone wrote, no let me repeat that scratched, the word "slut" on my locker.
The best thing is, since it's scratched into the locker (with a key or something) I can't get it of!

Today I noticed something else was written beneath it, after my reading session I fiugerd out it said 'groetjes', dutch for greetings/greets.

Well very nice, and hi back to you! Don't forget: next time tell me in my face that I'm slut, you WUSS!

However, I am not very sure if it was a personal "attack" (hey, I can easily call it an attack these days in The Netherlands. before I kow there's a bomb in my locker). but still.. it's not very nice; now I'll have to spend 2 more schoolyears with 'slut' written on my locker. Luckily you can't see it unless you're close to my locker.

Gah, and the Netherlands is driving me crazy. The days after Theo van Gogh was murdered so much happened! Schools, churches and mosques were set on fire. So many discusions. Stupid politicians who said that we're in war...
and today The Hague is completely under the supervision of police & special terrorism forces... There's this house that the police has been watching for a long time and last night the wanted to break in and arrest those people, but they failed.
This hasn't got anything to do with Theo v.G. though. Just a bad timing ;)

anyway, the "slut" is of now! lmao!

THANK YOU

2004-11-08T16:43:00.000+01:00

Ok, I just have one thing to say - and I want to say it in public:

Geerte, thank you so God damn much for those slashy links.... I am loving it more then ever !!!!!!!

anyone care to see guys kissing??? *drool*

Highlight of the week

2004-11-08T15:58:00.000+01:00

The week has only started but I already had my highlight of the week.

This morning on my way to school I bumped into this cute guy I've been fancying for ages now. I love the look of him, he's just gorgeous!

He came out of this side street and crossed the street which made him ride his bicycle in front of me. He actually looked around.. looking at me.
Maybe he had something like 'oh God it's her <_<>

But the highlight of the week was defenitely the fact that I started feeling butterflies in my stomach right away, combined with weak knees.
I've had this feeling once before, and it was just great experiencing it again whilst feeling so depressed.

I love this feeling and I had honestly no idea that I felt that much for him.

But the thing is.. I'm shy. and somehow I just got the feeling he'll never be interested in me "that" way. Just like most guys.
I could give it a go, but if I don't his personality will stay unknown to me, and then I can idealize him as much as I like...

I guess I'll just enjoy the feeling as long as it lasts... and we'll see what happens...

untitled 1

2004-11-08T00:54:00.000+01:00

I was just viewing my forum, when I noticed a very special feature: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Dez705/inmylife/special_forum_feature2.jpg

The good news is that I'm more then likely picking up Choopa November 15. Someone is willing to help me, and instead of a 2 hour (or 4 in total) drive we'll only have to drive for one hour (2 in total). as far as I'm aware I don't have to pay for the expenses... so, I'm happy. :)

A Dead Letter

2004-11-07T18:02:00.000+01:00

"A Dead Letter is a letter that cannot be send to the person it was meant for, but cannot be returned to author either" -one day I'll type out what a dead letter exactly is, but right now I need to write something of my chest - in a way of a Dead Letter.

Dear "you",

If there's one thing I'd like to tell you then one thing pops up in my mind: I HATE YOU. so much more than I could ever lover anything.
You ruin my life, and you manage to suck all the good out of me and make me a bitter, angry, depressed girl.

I hate you, but I can't tell cos I'm supposed to respect you. But how could ever?? You've managed to ruin your own life, but also the lives of the people close to you. And the worst part is that you don't even notice.

My God, I don't know how long I will be able to live on like this... But I am going crazy! You make me want to hurt myself, honestly - I don't know what to do with my hands except for clutching them together otherwise I'll do some horrible things to myself.

my fuck, you've ruined everything and it's too late for you to make it up. I don't want you anymore. I don't want your interest, I don't need to hear nice words from you - cos they're made up anyway. Your mind is somewhere else. Then fuck of to that place cos you're not needed anymore anyway!!!

I'm looking forward to the day I can get the fuck away from here and just have my own life. Far, far away from here...

just one thing

2004-11-07T05:07:00.000+01:00

made a little changement: un-registered visitors can also post a comment. hooray. I bet at least one person is happy now ;) lol

crap

2004-11-07T05:04:00.000+01:00

ah there we go, I'm back to feeling crap. Gone with the teenage worries.

I'm bored... I was hoping to pick up Choopa tomorrow, but it's not happening. I can't afford it, and no one is willing to help me out / or can't help me out. So yeah, it's not happening for now.

I was asked to go out with a few people tonight, but even that I can't afford. 7 fucking euro's for a night of fun.... but I can't afford it. I would've liked to go though.

I dunno what else there is to say... Haven't been up to much lately. so yeah... I'll shut up.

Teenage worries

2004-11-04T05:16:00.000+01:00

psssh, lately I've felt like I've only had teenage worries. and you know what: I LOVE IT!!!

I've been having too many worries in my life, which I shouldn't have. So for a change I am excited:
about hetting a new hamster,
for crying my eyes out because of a dead pet,
For going more than crazy about songs,
and I don;t give a CRAP about the grades I am getting!

hooray!!!

I wanna go traveling now. You know what... I've always wanted to go back to Rome. And I want my dad to come. I know he would love it, and I want to give hima break (if you know me too well, you'll understand).
The next holiday is December/January.. I'm gonna go do research RIGHT NOW. (I know he'll be like, "I dunno.." but sometimes he should stop whining & stop being rational... Just go if you want to!)

Choopa

2004-11-04T00:43:00.000+01:00

As I said, after Leo died I felt like I needed to do something good for the other creatures on this planet. Instead of buying another pet from a pet shop, I decided to get a homeless one.

The other day I was surfing on the net when I found the most fantastic creature!! his description sounds something like this: Choopa was brought in on August 12, he's shy and insecure. You must be really calm around him. Do you feel challenged to win his trsut back?

And hell YES I do!! I send them an email and today I got a reply: Choopa will be moving in with me! :)
Im not sure when, cos he's like 1.5 / 2 hours away from here. And getting there will cost some money.. Money I don't have.
So I'm not too sure yet when I'll be getting him.. But I'll let you know.

Last but not least, a piccie of him: http://static.marktplaats.nl/fotos/dieren/knaagdieren/2/73490.jpg

Sick world

2004-11-03T05:22:00.000+01:00

sick world

Theo van Gogh; a movie director, writer and person that was not afraid to speak his mind.
Today he has been Killed. Murdered. Shot and stabbed. The knife was still in his chest with a note attatched to it.

What the fuck is this?

I do not know much about him. Except that he spoke his mind . He had different ideas than others. But they were not wrong; cos everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
Just like the politician Pim Fortuyn. He had different ideas. Somewhat weird, and some even included the truth though most would deny it. Also he got killed.
We live in the Netherlands. People may describe it as the country where everything is possible. But whatever happened to FREEDOM OF SPEECH??? a thing we supposed to cherise so much in this country??? A thing that's supposed to be so important for our culture.

Both their ideas weren't always mine, and with some I didn't agree at all. But it were their opinions on the live in The Netherlands. On what's happening with this country.And you know what... On some points I actually do start to agree. Will I get killed for that???

They had the opportunity to speak their mind in public and I guess that was enough for people to "erase" them from live.

Really,..... what the fuck is this ?

The day after

2004-11-02T04:27:00.000+01:00

I'm doing pretty fine today. In the beginning it's always hard to get used to the empty space of where the hamsters' cage used to be. But oh well.. he'll be burried tomorrow.

To do something nice for the other little creature's in this world, I signed up at the place where homeless animals get brought in. You can give those animals a new home. I asked my mom to call the place and ask if they have any hamsters, or an old rabbit in it's final years. They didn't have any, but they have my number so they can always call me.
I feel quite good doing this. Now I am able to give at least one little creature a new & nice home.

And with that, I officialy need a job. I've also seen this digital camera which I wan't BADLY. It's a fair price for a camera that can take pix & record movies with sound (hello gigs, here I come!!).

Woaaa, the next gig is November 30. I'm so God damn excited. It's my 6th gig of this band (The Rasmus), but it just never get's boring !!

This guy I know, he was supposed to download songs for me & put them on a CD for me... It's been like 3 weeks ago, and I still haven't got it. That really pisses me of you know. He's had 3 fucking weeks to do it, and he still hasn't.... But that's the problem with me: I do more for people than I actually get in return. *not good*

Well anyway, I guess I should be going now. After a week of holiday I've got homework again. Got some French articles & a book from very long ago to read.... :

Last but not least:

RIP Leo

2004-11-01T05:25:00.000+01:00

I was supposed to go over to a friend tonight, to watch a scary movie to celebrate Haloween. But when I went to give Leo his medicine I found him still breathing, but not waking up and stone cold. I knew it wouldn't take long before he died.

I decided to get him out of his cage and take him in my hands and let him die peacefully. He was s cold that he actually made my hands cold. My mom warmed up somekind of pillow and put under a cloth and my hands, so he'd be warm. Later on I layed him down on the cloth.

He was still breathing, but after a while he had these shocks. They kept on going so I knew/hoped it wouldn't be too long anymore.
After a while his body stopped shocking, and he was grasping for air. It got slower after a while and than he took his last breath and slowly died.

It was kinda overwhelming to be there when he died, though I do feel relieved. he died peacefully and I am happy for him...

It was so sad though... So,

sweet dreams Leo.

Leo
*30/04/2003 + 31/10/2004

Lost i the arms of destiny...

2004-10-30T05:05:00.000+02:00

Leo is not doing good.
Today when I went to give him his medicine he looked even worse than yesterday.
So now I'm wondering: am I just being selfish, by continueing to give him the medicine? Maybe he's better of dead.

I've decided to give him his medicine throughout the weekend and see how he's doing after the weekend. If he's gotten worse, I'm gonna let them put him down (though I hope he passes away in his sleep, this weekend. That would be the best), and otherwise I might get a second opinion.

I just feel so horrible looking at him. all he does is sleeping, and when he's awake he hardly is "really" awake. It's so sad it makes me cry. I feel hopeless.
I don't want to give up on him yet, cos somehow he might get better... But just the look of him.. it says enough.

That's why I feel kinda guilty... And decided to see his state after the weekend, instead of medicine throughout the week (till Thursday).
Whatever the best is for him, I am willing to do it.

The link of Apocalyptica ft. Lauri & Ville is dead. as soon as I've got anothe rlink I'll post it. It's defenitely a song you should all hear. It's so amazing... :

"Lost in the arms of destiny"
Bittersweet

Bittersweet

2004-10-29T05:57:00.000+02:00

Went to the vet with Leo (hamster) today. The vet didn't know either what was wrong. due to the fact that they are such little animal and don't get really old, scientists don't really do any research on diseases and cures.

Most likely Leo has made a pretty big fall and was partly paralysed. Because of this he has a trauma and that'll explain his behaviour.

They didn't have any painkillers for hamsters, but she did give me some sort of anti-biotics, which I will have to give him this for a week and see what happens with him. If he get's better we'll be both happy, if not... I am probably gonna have to let them put him down. It's for the best for him, but if there's one thing I hate; it's getting pets put down. To make an appointment on what hour their gonna die. It's in your hands... It's not fair to us, but only fair to them - to release them from their pain.

The best part of the day was not the trip with my nephew and sister to Lolland (yes, it's really called that) but hearing a 40 sec. clip of Apocalyptica ft. Lauri (The Rasmus) & Ville (HIM) - Bittersweet
so perfectly brilliant it made me cry. Video is out on Nov. 03, the CD sinlge is released International on November 29.
It's on my 'OH-MY-GOD-I-WANT-THIS' list.

Leo, oh Leo

2004-10-28T07:17:00.000+02:00

I love my pets, more than anything!
I love animals in general. But especially my dearest pet cat Evie. is it weird to call your pet your best friend?

The latest edition was Piiku, a tiny black mouse. I saw a few mouse in the pet shop and fell in love with them. After doing some research I found they could be nice little buddies, and not as bad as people think they are. Just what I needed as Hamster Leo doesn't like cuddling at all.

I bought Leo in 2003, in a petshop where I worked for the holiday. He was old, too old to get sold. After seeing him for the first time (in the cage with the rabbits as he broke out of his own cage) I was like "so you're the little fella who lives here?" spending one month there and seeing a big, black and white cutie between rabbits in your last week of work... Well, I couldn't help but falling in love with him.
I wanted him.

And yes, I managed to get him (there's always the parents part). But pretty soon I left on holiday and let my oldest sister take care of him.
When I got back, he escaped from his cage.. Later on I found out he did it before (in total, he broke out 4 times now ;)). We got him back, but because of this (and the older age than hamsters usualy have when they get sold he got wild, and defenitely wasn't up for cuddling anymore.
Shame, but in the end I am happy to have given him a home, where he gets loved and fed.

And well, after a while seeing the mice, I wanted one as well. I got piiku, who is rather afraid of human, than human of her.

But I hadnt seen leo for a while. I did keep checking upon him, to see if he was still alive. he is.... But he's ill.

I started crying right away when I saw him! it's that bad.
all the vet's were already closed... But tomorrow I am gonna call or go there straightaway.
leo is 1.5 years now.. But I still love him. so much..... damn, I hate when this happens.... keep you up to date

You know how to make me feel

2004-10-27T07:26:00.000+02:00

A few days ago I went to the carnival with a friend of mine, the new girl I met. It was all cool, except for the fact that we had a few fast rides right after each other. I ended up not having dinner due to me nacious feeling...!

After that I haven't reallybeen up to anything. My sister rented a movie; Thirteen. Pretty good, realistic movie. Inspired me right away to write another song.
I should learn to play guitar much better, then I can finaly start playing my own tunes as well.
Which brings me to this: in january I have my first performance. It's nothting too big I guess... Anyway, it's with school. In music class you have a presentation for parents & friends. I thought there was gonna be one performance in June. Turns out there is one in january & in june. You have to enter at least in 5 projects.
I feel kinda nervous about it, but in the end: this is why I chose music!!

My forum's been doing good lately. A lot of members have come up with creative ideas, besides that I have a few extra's in mind as well. I'll reveal all when the idea is all set....!

enough for now. ;)

Finland

2004-10-23T06:07:00.000+02:00

Oi, something I forgot to tell, but should; I met this girl this schoolyear. She's really cool. She's been through some stuff, and she's real. she doesn't live in a fucking fairy tale (unlike some others..). the cool thing is that we have a few things in common, such as the fact that we both want to travel through Finland.
That's really cool, I was actually thinking of traveling with a partner (it is saver nowadays) and so I guess I found my partner ;)

It's really cool to meet some new people. I'm quite crap at making contact, but when I do meet people, they're usualy really worth it.

so... yeah. ;)

On MTV

2004-10-23T01:19:00.000+02:00

OH . MY . GOD !
Can you believe this?? I just got an email from a girl I know in Mexico, she told me that one of my websites about my fave band The Rasmus, has been mentioned on MTV!
The Rasmus will perform in Mexico soon, so they paid some attention to the band and the dude said there were a few websites worth checking out, The Rasmus One was mentioned!
Can you believe how proud I am now? Seems all the hard work is really worth it. I'm happy!!!

Not only that, my test week is finaly over now - and I've got a one week holiday. I need that really...
my last 2 hours at school were PE, which was pretty exhausting. Warming up with a man that used to be in the army is... well, tiring! After that, I played soccer with some girls.. But God, there were a few bitches. One of them got kicked at her ancle by exident. She started swearing at the girl and everything, then she left the fielt. WUSSY! I've been kicked a million times, so what?! it's a game you know!
Another (ugly) barbie doll, who playes in a soccer team, was all pissed of cos my team catched up with points. We lost anyway, but does that matter? It's only a game for God's sake...! Though some of them felt quite different.

Another friend of mine wasn't even there with PE. That's all up to her, but what bothers me most is that she always fionds some excuse for something, just to miss out on it.. I don't spent too much time with her anymore, and I don't quite care anyway. I've met some new & nicer people.

Anyway... I'm gonna go celebrate my one second of fame on MTV...! hooray

School

2004-10-18T16:00:00.000+02:00

Gah... I feel horrible, moody and close to tears!
School is just really freaking me out! For a change I do care about my grades, and I DO try to get good grades, but it's just not working. Out of all the tests I already had, only one turned out postive.

And now Im in the middle of a testweek, where most subjects of which I got a bad average are being tested. Meaning I have to study my arse of, to make sure all my averages are gonna be OK by the the time I have to show my list of grades at home.

Cos that's the point. I haven't told my parents yet. I'm kinda afraid to. I feel that there's a bigger pressure coming of them than ever before. If they find out that I have been having bad grades and hiding it from them... I'm gonna be in trouble.
So maybe I should confess... I guess. But I don't feel like it.

I just feel like I wanna be left alone and just for everyone to get of my back... Leave me alone - I wanna drown in my own misery!

it's time to study for history... wish me luck...!

#1

2004-10-16T15:29:00.000+02:00

So, here we go - the 1st entry in my blog.
I've had a blog on my own forum before, but never done soemthing like this. So, here I am then.

me in short: My name is Demelza, but I prefered to be called Dez. Im 16 y/o, from the Netherlands.

Lately my life has been kinda boring. Am back at school for a few weeks now. But I just can;t get used to it. Besides that, Im already screwing up everything (such as throwing away VERY important stuff, bad grades, forgetting to hand in inportant notes).. so Im pretty fed up already.

Home is not the place I'd rather be either.. But it's kinda private.

I just wish sometimes I had a place I could always come to, and just completely calm down. away from the world.
If that place exists... Let me know!